I took a really good nap today. I had to wake up early to go to breakfast this morning and then head over to storage to get the rest of my furniture which I really needed! but I had to wake up early for that. And carry a bunch of furniture in the house. Then, I had to move it all around and attempt to organize it all. I have so much to do and finally have somewhere to organize my stuff at. But there's just too much!!! That was very overwhelming. It's a maze to try and get through my apt. It's just weird. So I was overwhelmed by all the stuff I had to do and I didn't even want to start it. Plus, I had a headache. I've had a lot of headaches lately which really sucks by the way. My pills are supposed to be working on that but they aren't anymore and I'm angry. It sucks having a headache everyday. But anyway.. today I layed down to take a nap after I called my gma. I used to be able to sleep things off. That's how I would deal with things because I slept anyway. Then I didn't have to deal with anything. Now whenever I get depressed or something.. I want to sleep! But I can't do that anymore! Ugh. I actually have to deal with life which is sucky sometimes. So I got tired because I was overwhelmed and getting mad about it. That's just what happens.. Usually I can't sleep though but I still lay there wishing I could sleep. But this time was different. I did get to sleep! :) I fell asleep at about 4:30. Then I woke up at 6. But I was still half asleep so I fell asleep again. Finally I woke up at 7. So it was a 2 1/2 hour nap!! My dad was also trying to take a nap so I called him to see how it went for him and he said he got a 15 minute nap. haha. I'm a professional napper. :)
I usually don't take naps though unless I have nothing to do all day. If I have to be somewhere within like 2 hours, I don't take a nap. After sleeping as long as I did and not being sure you would wake up, you're still cautious! And an alarm never used to be able to wake me up. So I don't even attempt to nap a lot if I have to do something that day. I wish I could just sleep for half an hour sometimes but that never works because I don't trust myself. Sometimes I do just need to lay there for a couple minutes though. I don't fall asleep but I need to rest my brain. So napping is an issue for me. When I used to watch Carter when he was a baby, I would wake up with him because Aamber would go to work at 5am. So I was always worried that I wouldn't wake up. But I mean.. I couldn't stay up all night. But luckily everytime he made a noise, I would wake up. It was annoying because even he just breathed loudly I'd wake up. But it was better than not waking up. But after all this time, I'm still cautious about it. So today I had NOTHING to do! So I went for it and got well rested. :)
But people always ask me if taking a nap during the day or even that late would make me stay up late. The answer is no. I can always use more sleep. It's midnight now. That's around the time I go to bed anyway. And I'm ready for bed again..
I love sleep. But on the other hand, I don't want to start sleeping again. I feel like I'm sleeping more than usual but maybe like just 2 hours more or something. That could be that I had a sinus infection and had been on cold pills and anti biotics for ever.. I'm taking my last ones tomorrow morning. I had to take 2 pills 3 times a day for the anti biotics. Did I mention I hate pills? Anyway.. back to napping.. I hope that I don't start sleeping again. I've just been feeling weird lately. Summer is usually a better time for me and my depression isn't that bad. But with the last couple sunny days we've had.. it hasn't helped at all. I still have no motivation and don't want to do anything. So depression combined with sickness.. that doesn't sound so great for me. I hate sleeping! And I love sleeping!
Anyway... I'm gonna go to bed. Hopefully I wake up before next week! haha. I'll probably sleep about 10- 12 hours. I've read on the KLS facebook that people think an episode of Kleine Levin Syndrome is 12 hours. That's sleeping like a normal person! Teenagers need extra sleep. I don't think I'm in an episode now because I sleep 12 hours. I get up and do what I have to do. Well not really.. but i get up. When I was in an "episode" I slept atleast 20 hours. and it seemed like it lasted forever. These people don't know how it really is if they think 12 hours a night is bad.. ugh. Ok I'm getting off topic again!
Good Night. :)
Monday, May 16, 2011
Mahjong? Yes Please!
So at my new apt, I didn't have internet for a while and I don't want to get cable. So I started playing the games on my computer. I played a LOT of Skip-Bo. Some monopoly, life and solitaire. But then I discovered Mahjong!! I remember playing it a while ago but I figured I would try it again. I LOVE IT! I play all day long. In the last 3 days, I've played 128 games. :) I have no life. It's a good way to waste it. I love the cat setup. I'm really good at it! I have a 76% winning average! That's good for me. I'm not good at a lot of stuff. -I also discovered recently that I'm good at frisbee.. That's very unsual. But pretty great! Who knew?- Anyway, I like to play it because it keeps my brain working. And I need that now a days because I hate to read. Unless it's a really good book! So I just love it. I could play it all day everyday. Well I pretty much have been... but now I have internet. So I waste my life away on facebook. I need a job. And a life...
Adventures up the mountain.
So, this one is about my “adventure” staying at my dad’s. First of all, I didn’t even want to stay there. But I had to because of the fire. But the reason I didn’t want to stay there because there are all kinds of bugs up there. I am DEATHLY afraid of spiders. I’m serious. Being Bipolar makes everything intensified so my fears are reallyyyyyy bad! But there are bugs all over because he lives up the mountain in the woods. It worried me enough that I had to sleep with a sweatshirt on every night so that bugs wouldn’t crawl in my ears. That happens you know.. I saw it on 2 shows so now I always have my hood on! But there was that and that it takes like an extra 15 minutes to get up or down the hill. So you think you’re in Bellingham but you really aren’t.. And my dad’s “landlord” is a big issue! Let me start this story.. He lives in like a poll building kind of thing that he turned into a house. It’s down a little hill from her house. Her name is Patti. It’s a different Patti from the nice helpful one. He was moving up there for the winter to save up money because she wasn’t gonna charge him rent. So he said by the summer he might start looking for a place. So he put all the plumbing in there. She said that she hired someone to do that but they had put the pipes in the ground but they didn’t lead to anywhere. So my dad had to dig up all that cement and re-do it. Then he bought everything to put in there. He put in a shower, a toilet, kitchen counters and cupboards. And he even put in a furnace because the only heat that she had there was a wood stove. It’s hard to keep a wood stove going when you’re at work all day.. So he would come home to a cold house and have to start a fire and wait like 2 hours for it to actually start warming stuff up. Also, he put a fridge and a stove in there. But he put a lot of money and work into this and then… She decided to start charging him rent. Now $400 isn’t that much for rent but still.. He put everything in there plus all the work he did. She freakin screwed him over. I had been thinking of staying up there a couple times a month and she said no. She wasn’t really supposed to have anybody staying up there so she didn’t want me to stay up there because it would be another person she wasn’t supposed to have. But if you’re breaking the rule for 1 person, why not just do it for another person occasionally?? But then I had to move there because our place burnt down.
HATER!!!!!
She's hatin on me for no reason. And she yelled at me for something I didn't even do. She's messing with the wrong person! She'll find that out VERY soon!! I'm a lot like my mom. And let me tell ya, sometimes that's very helpful. I can take care of my stuff when I need to. And I can deal with people that need to be dealt with. You don't wanna mess with me Haterrrr. You wanna hate me? I'll give you a reason to! :)
**I'll elaborate later on this one and the next few entries.
HATER!!!!!
She's hatin on me for no reason. And she yelled at me for something I didn't even do. She's messing with the wrong person! She'll find that out VERY soon!! I'm a lot like my mom. And let me tell ya, sometimes that's very helpful. I can take care of my stuff when I need to. And I can deal with people that need to be dealt with. You don't wanna mess with me Haterrrr. You wanna hate me? I'll give you a reason to! :)
**I'll elaborate later on this one and the next few entries.
New Apartment!
I am officially on my own. Monday (April 18th?) was my first night alone but my dad spent the weekend with me here. We’ve been moving stuff in for a while so it’s slowly coming together. The living room and the bedroom are tiny. But the walkway, bathroom, kitchen, and back porch are pretty big! So that doesn’t make any sense to why the 2 important rooms are the tiniest.. But I’m starting to get used to it. We still don’t have all the furniture in yet but hopefully we will do that this weekend. But you can’t put a satellite dish on the building so I won’t be able to get directv. That’s what my dad has so it would be only like $5 a month to have that here but no… they couldn’t do that. And if I were to get Comcast it would be $30 a month. I can’t afford that. But I don’t have internet either but my mom said that we can go to clear wire and get that set up. So that will be good, I’ll at least have something to entertain me for all the time that I have. I literally have nothing going on with my life. Yes, I babysit sometimes. But I need to find a real job. My dad said that he would pay my rent for me if I would pay the electric bill. Did you know that if you sign up for the first time they charge you $90?? That is crazy! I can barely afford the bill but now I have to pay $90 too? That’s stupid! But I need to get a real job because babysitting was pretty much paying for gas and a couple random things if I needed something at the store. But now I need to pay for gas and my electric bill and everything else. Life is so annoying sometimes. And as a 19 year old, I should have everything covered and have my life on some kind of track. But because I slept for 5 years, I still feel like I’m 16. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that I’m 19. But I’ve started the whole having my own life thing now… I don’t know how well it will go but I guess we’ll find out. Do you notice how everything I write starts out ok and then ends depressing. Ya that’s how it happens in real life too.
The building is on fire, I’m not even kidding.
So that was an interesting night. Let’s start at the beginning. Saturday February 12th.. I don’t even remember what happened that day. But my mom went out somewhere. (And, I know that she went out with that biatch. Must be karma. Haha) But around 11:00 I heard my neighbors screaming and yelling. My upstairs neighbors were always fighting, arguing and kicking people out. Her boyfriend went to jail once and must have moved somewhere else. They are also THE MOST annoying neighbors EVER! They lived above us… and I’m not expecting them to be silent. So they were yelling and screaming Get out!! Get out!! Which, I figured they were kicking somebody out. But I kept hearing people knocking on my door which scared the crap out of me because I thought they were gonna come to my apartment and kill me or something. I didn’t answer. But somebody kept knocking. Finally, some guy actually told me what was happening instead of just freaking knocking. So thanks to that guy for actually telling me why I needed to get out of the house. But he knocked on the door and said, “You need to get out, the building is on fire. I’m not even kidding!” So I left the tv and stuff on because I wasn’t gonna take time to do anything. I just grabbed my keys unlocked the door lock so that the firemen wouldn’t have to kick it in and ran out. And let me tell ya, I was in shorts and a short sleeve shirt. Not the brightest idea to stand around all night in the freezing cold in that. But I was freaking out, so I didn’t really care. And as I was standing there with everybody else, I started thinking about all the things that I wanted to go back in for. I didn’t care about my laptop, my clothes, or even the wii. What I wanted to go back in for was my Stebert scrapbook. Out of everything that I have, that is the one thing that I wanted to save. I can never replace those pictures or even take new ones. Finally after what seemed liked half an hour, the firemen showed up. You know how people always say that when things like that are happening, it seems like they take forever? Ya.. Now I know how they feel. It was probably only 10 minutes but somebody had called 911 before I even got outside. The fire had been happening for about 10 minutes before I even got outside. So the fire trucks took a while to get there. They should have a slogan like the pizza places. We’ll be there in 15 minutes or you’re dead. Haha! Ok.. That’s not very funny but they should be more speedy! But I had tried to call my mom about 8 times and of course she didn’t answer. She never really answers her phone.. But finally I texted her saying “911”. Then Dave saw the text so they called and were like.. What’s going on? So I said, the apartment building is on fire!! So they were on their way. Then I called my dad and told him because I figured he should know and maybe come stand with me while I was freaking waiting to know something. So I called him and said Our apartment building is on fire!! And he’s like… Oh. He was already in Ferndale because he went to some party or something so finally he showed up. But I called my brother and he didn’t answer but then I texted him to tell him what was going on and he called about 10 seconds later. But of course, right when I answered, I started crying. I was fine and holding it together before that. I just was shaking and trying to figure out what was happening. But that always happens when I talk to my brother. Whenever something sad or something is wrong and it’s on my mind, I can always just try to stop thinking about it or something. But right when I answered I started crying. He asked if the firemen had gotten there already and they had. But he just wanted me to tell him what was going on and was telling me to calm down because everything was going to be alright. I needed someone to talk to because my dad isn’t good at things like that and my mom was on her way but she was freakin out too because she didn’t know if any of our stuff got burnt or what was going on. But my brother helped me through it and finally I was back to being ok. I think that by that time the fire was out and just smoke was coming out. And after what seemed like an hour, my mom and Dave showed up. My mom was trying to figure out everything and was talking to one of the cops who were there but weren’t really doing anything except making people move back. They told her that once the firemen said it was safe, we could go in for a few seconds and grab some clothes but we had to hurry. So they escorted us in and I grabbed some clothes because I was going to stay at my dad’s that night. Oh ya.. My dad had showed up too. But I grabbed some clothes and threw them in a bag. I forgot a coat and I forgot my pills. But I did grab my scrapbook! My Stebert scrapbook is a mini one so I grabbed that. And great minds think alike.. Plus, me and my mom are like twins and don’t even have to talk to know what the other is thinking.. But she grabbed the big Stebert scrapbook! She knows that stuff like that can never be replaced so of course she grabbed that! J But we all made it out alive. Nobody died in the fire. But the apartment that started the fire was totally burnt. Luckily, the fire wall saved our apartment! It did it’s job and didn’t let the fire go through to burn our stuff. The next day we went back to grab some more stuff because I guess it was officially safe. There was some smoke damage but it didn’t get in everything.
After all of that, we found out that we had to move all of our stuff out in 3 days. Let me just add that there was no power or heat. So we had to work during the day with the sunlight and we had to work with flashlights at night because we had to get everything out in 3 days. So that’s what we did. We put on 3 coats and got our flashlights so we could work day and night because that’s what we had to do. Also, the owner of the building is a real freaking jerk. He’s not paying for our storage unit that we had to put everything in. How are we supposed to freaking find a house in 3 days??? We had no choice but to put our stuff in storage. So after losing our apartment, we had to move all of our stuff out soon, and we had no money. We didn’t get our deposit back or half our rent back for a couple weeks. Yes.. Only half of our rent. The red cross did pay for 3 nights in a hotel but what were we supposed to do after that? I did end up living at my dad’s for a while which is not what I wanted to do. And my mom ended up staying with one of her friends from work who was nice enough to let here stay. THANK YOU PATTI!!! You are so kind and we are so happy to have you as a friend! J
Now my mom is living in a Fifth Wheel with her boyfriend. And after 2 months of living with my dad, I’m in my own place. I’m so happy to be out of there, but I’ll update you on that in another blog. So that’s the end of this chapter but only the beginning of a new chapter in life. (<
After all of that, we found out that we had to move all of our stuff out in 3 days. Let me just add that there was no power or heat. So we had to work during the day with the sunlight and we had to work with flashlights at night because we had to get everything out in 3 days. So that’s what we did. We put on 3 coats and got our flashlights so we could work day and night because that’s what we had to do. Also, the owner of the building is a real freaking jerk. He’s not paying for our storage unit that we had to put everything in. How are we supposed to freaking find a house in 3 days??? We had no choice but to put our stuff in storage. So after losing our apartment, we had to move all of our stuff out soon, and we had no money. We didn’t get our deposit back or half our rent back for a couple weeks. Yes.. Only half of our rent. The red cross did pay for 3 nights in a hotel but what were we supposed to do after that? I did end up living at my dad’s for a while which is not what I wanted to do. And my mom ended up staying with one of her friends from work who was nice enough to let here stay. THANK YOU PATTI!!! You are so kind and we are so happy to have you as a friend! J
Now my mom is living in a Fifth Wheel with her boyfriend. And after 2 months of living with my dad, I’m in my own place. I’m so happy to be out of there, but I’ll update you on that in another blog. So that’s the end of this chapter but only the beginning of a new chapter in life. (<
Sunday, May 15, 2011
A?......B? or even...C?
Haha. Nobody will understand the title but I know what it's about so I think it's pretty hilarious!! :)
But it's been a while.. I've started writing in a journal in the last couple weeks. This last week hasn't been so good with that though.. But my gpa keeps a journal of what he does everyday. So I decided to do that. It worked for like 2 1/2 weeks of me writing in it EVERY day. Then I forgot about it, was ready to fall asleep or didn't have enough energy. But the problem with me is that once my mind gets going, it doesn't stop until it wants to. So instead of simply stating what I did that day, I end up writing 4 full pages (single spaced, front and back) of all the stuff that's going on in my mind. It's all over the place. Not a lot of people could handle being me.. I can't even handle it sometimes.. But I have no choice. I'm getting off topic again. That happens a lot. So I've been writing in my journal and I only have like 8 pages left in it I think.. and I haven't really written anything since.. wednesday? I usually write about 3 pages everyday. That is a lot of work. I'm not used to writing that much so my hand hurts and I don't want to do it on here because then I have to get my computer and stuff out.. Although, I do type faster than I write. Sometimes I need that when my brain doesn't slow down for me. But anyway.. I've been doing that but slacking a little for the last couple days. I've gotta go back and finish it soon. I remember what I did those days so it's be really easy to go write that down real quick. But because my brain is annoying.. I have to add every single detail so that's how it ends up being 4 pages. And while I'm writing something, I get another idea to write about.. so I have all kinds of notes to remind me to write about stuff that's happend.
But here are some big things that happend: (not sure if I wrote about some of them already but I'll go back and check. Just ignore it if you've already heard it.)
our apt burnt down.
i lived with my dad.
i have my own apt.
looking for a job.
brother got a new job.
spending more time with my gma.
mom got engaged.
friends?
new pills...
I'll write about all of these soon. I have a couple things that I wrote a while ago so I'll put those up here. I'm just not feeling it right now. No energy AGAIN. I hate being me sometimes. But I'll get back to blogging soon..
Can I just add....
BRENT IS HOME!! :)
I don't even care if he reads this. But I did find out that he knows who I am. So I'm pretty psyched about that!! But if you have known me for a while, you should know that I love Brent. It's been about.. 10 years? Wow that's a long time..
But he is awesome! He is such a nice guy and super adorable. <3 Just thinking about him makes me smile!! :)
-Me and Chelsey used to love going to our brothers' games because they played some of the same sports! I loved Brent and she loved Bryce. That's Brent's twin brother even though they don't look alike. But we had some good times!! Lots of fun and very weird memories.. ha ha.
<3
But it's been a while.. I've started writing in a journal in the last couple weeks. This last week hasn't been so good with that though.. But my gpa keeps a journal of what he does everyday. So I decided to do that. It worked for like 2 1/2 weeks of me writing in it EVERY day. Then I forgot about it, was ready to fall asleep or didn't have enough energy. But the problem with me is that once my mind gets going, it doesn't stop until it wants to. So instead of simply stating what I did that day, I end up writing 4 full pages (single spaced, front and back) of all the stuff that's going on in my mind. It's all over the place. Not a lot of people could handle being me.. I can't even handle it sometimes.. But I have no choice. I'm getting off topic again. That happens a lot. So I've been writing in my journal and I only have like 8 pages left in it I think.. and I haven't really written anything since.. wednesday? I usually write about 3 pages everyday. That is a lot of work. I'm not used to writing that much so my hand hurts and I don't want to do it on here because then I have to get my computer and stuff out.. Although, I do type faster than I write. Sometimes I need that when my brain doesn't slow down for me. But anyway.. I've been doing that but slacking a little for the last couple days. I've gotta go back and finish it soon. I remember what I did those days so it's be really easy to go write that down real quick. But because my brain is annoying.. I have to add every single detail so that's how it ends up being 4 pages. And while I'm writing something, I get another idea to write about.. so I have all kinds of notes to remind me to write about stuff that's happend.
But here are some big things that happend: (not sure if I wrote about some of them already but I'll go back and check. Just ignore it if you've already heard it.)
our apt burnt down.
i lived with my dad.
i have my own apt.
looking for a job.
brother got a new job.
spending more time with my gma.
mom got engaged.
friends?
new pills...
I'll write about all of these soon. I have a couple things that I wrote a while ago so I'll put those up here. I'm just not feeling it right now. No energy AGAIN. I hate being me sometimes. But I'll get back to blogging soon..
Can I just add....
BRENT IS HOME!! :)
I don't even care if he reads this. But I did find out that he knows who I am. So I'm pretty psyched about that!! But if you have known me for a while, you should know that I love Brent. It's been about.. 10 years? Wow that's a long time..
But he is awesome! He is such a nice guy and super adorable. <3 Just thinking about him makes me smile!! :)
-Me and Chelsey used to love going to our brothers' games because they played some of the same sports! I loved Brent and she loved Bryce. That's Brent's twin brother even though they don't look alike. But we had some good times!! Lots of fun and very weird memories.. ha ha.
<3
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Hmm..
I'm watching "The Lottery Changed My LIfe". And I really wish I could win the lottery. All these people are ridiculous. They buy like 12 cars and 8 houses and then run out of money.. I wouldn't do that. I would help my parents pay off their bills. I would buy them each a house and buy myself a house too. I would do useful things with it and not blow it all in 1 year.. I wish I could win. I would be very happy and it could help with a lot of things. I've bought 3 tickets since I turned 18and I didn't win. I can't even win at scratch tickets.. I don't have good luck at all.. So why try?
Well.. atleast I'm not addicted to it. Some people do that when they are manic. But I don't have high hopes for that.. So it's not really that exciting..
But we'll see.... Maybe one day I'll have all the luck in the world..
Well.. atleast I'm not addicted to it. Some people do that when they are manic. But I don't have high hopes for that.. So it's not really that exciting..
But we'll see.... Maybe one day I'll have all the luck in the world..
Friday, January 28, 2011
P!NK
I love P!NK. I own every CD that she's had and I have loved her since she started. She just speaks the truth. and I can relate to her songs. I could go through every emotion in 1 cd. Also, she is SO pretty and has a freaking hot husband. :) I LOVE Carey Hart. She is pregnant too! I'm so excited about that because it will be the most adorable baby ever! :)
See.. Aren't they the cutest? :)
But she's got some new songs that I listen to all the time, as usual. But here is 1 real music video and the other is just a song because there isn't a video yet...
but the first one is called
"Raise Your Glass".
__________________________________
And this one is called
"F**kin Perfect"
See.. Aren't they the cutest? :)
But she's got some new songs that I listen to all the time, as usual. But here is 1 real music video and the other is just a song because there isn't a video yet...
but the first one is called
"Raise Your Glass".
__________________________________
And this one is called
"F**kin Perfect"
People Suck.
I'm really not a fan of people. If I'm around somebody too much, they reallyyyyyy annoy me. But the way some people act is just stupid. I was watching Dr. Phil the other day because it was about "Outrageous Teens" or whatever. And let me add that I NEVER watch Dr. Phil. He annoys me. But on this show, there was one girl who was doing a lot of drugs and thought it was normal. She actually said, "Well everybody does that so why is it such a problem?". Let me tell you girl.. Not everybody does it!!. She said that she had been "clean" for 4 months because now she only takes Xanax daily, does cocaine, and smokes pot but only at night. Are you kidding me? You think you're "clean" because that's all you do? That is just crazy.
I am really opinionated if you haven't realized already. But sometimes I just don't get people.. But I haven't been part of the "real world" for a while. Since I slept so long, I really haven't been a functioning person. I go to the store and to babysit and whatever. But I don't really go hang out with people or anything. I'm just not sure how to have a life really.. But with everything that went on the last couple years, people have just ditched me. Even important people I have known my whole life. They just leave you when you need people most. But I think that everybody hates me and will leave me eventually so why even try? I just like to sit in my own sorrow and feel bad for myself. But that's only once in a while. For the last week and a half, my pills aren't kickin it as much. It's been a rough few days.. (So that's why these last couple are so negative.) But I haven't felt this crappy in a while. I knew that this was bound to happen sometime. But I go to my psychiatrist next week so we'll see what she thinks I should do. We will see... but for now I will just sit in my own little depressed world.
Let me tell you a couple things that go on in my "depressed world".
1. I don't move. If I don't have to get up or move, I don't. I will sit there for hours and hours. Even if I'm starving, it takes so much energy for my body to get up that it's not worth it.
2. I sleep a lot. That is how I learned to deal with things. Since it took up most of my life, why not just keep it going? I will take like 3 naps a day when I'm depressed. Why not since I'm not moving anyway, right?
3. I don't talk to anybody.. I can't keep a conversation going and I don't really want to. I don't usually use my phone a lot when this happens.
4. I am on a different level of depression. Most people say that they get depressed but I'm pretty sure it's not this bad. I would actually love to be depressed like normal people. On the bipolar scale it is SUPER low. Because I am bipolar 2 it is not like bipolar 1. #1 has manic and depression. Not me. #2 has mostly depression. My manic is functioning and going to the store just because I want to. Usually I go to the store because I HAVE to and I have to build myself up for either a few days or hours. But nothing is easy. So we'll see how it goes this time.
I'm about to take a nap but I want to post a few P!NK videos first. So anyway, thanks for reading. Hope everybody is doing well.
Also, my blog posts are all over the place. I just have too many thoughts going through my brain at once.
I am really opinionated if you haven't realized already. But sometimes I just don't get people.. But I haven't been part of the "real world" for a while. Since I slept so long, I really haven't been a functioning person. I go to the store and to babysit and whatever. But I don't really go hang out with people or anything. I'm just not sure how to have a life really.. But with everything that went on the last couple years, people have just ditched me. Even important people I have known my whole life. They just leave you when you need people most. But I think that everybody hates me and will leave me eventually so why even try? I just like to sit in my own sorrow and feel bad for myself. But that's only once in a while. For the last week and a half, my pills aren't kickin it as much. It's been a rough few days.. (So that's why these last couple are so negative.) But I haven't felt this crappy in a while. I knew that this was bound to happen sometime. But I go to my psychiatrist next week so we'll see what she thinks I should do. We will see... but for now I will just sit in my own little depressed world.
Let me tell you a couple things that go on in my "depressed world".
1. I don't move. If I don't have to get up or move, I don't. I will sit there for hours and hours. Even if I'm starving, it takes so much energy for my body to get up that it's not worth it.
2. I sleep a lot. That is how I learned to deal with things. Since it took up most of my life, why not just keep it going? I will take like 3 naps a day when I'm depressed. Why not since I'm not moving anyway, right?
3. I don't talk to anybody.. I can't keep a conversation going and I don't really want to. I don't usually use my phone a lot when this happens.
4. I am on a different level of depression. Most people say that they get depressed but I'm pretty sure it's not this bad. I would actually love to be depressed like normal people. On the bipolar scale it is SUPER low. Because I am bipolar 2 it is not like bipolar 1. #1 has manic and depression. Not me. #2 has mostly depression. My manic is functioning and going to the store just because I want to. Usually I go to the store because I HAVE to and I have to build myself up for either a few days or hours. But nothing is easy. So we'll see how it goes this time.
I'm about to take a nap but I want to post a few P!NK videos first. So anyway, thanks for reading. Hope everybody is doing well.
Also, my blog posts are all over the place. I just have too many thoughts going through my brain at once.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Gay Pride.
Hello Again!
So I just wanted to write on this topic because it disturbs me. Let's start out with.. I Support Gay Pride and Gay Marriage. Always have, always will.
---If my opinion on this post is going to offend you, don't read it.---
I bring up this topic because I was on a recipe blog today and I saw one for a rainbow cake. I was pretty excited because I love to dye cakes and pancakes and everything! So I was excited to hear about how they did theirs. And then I started reading the comments. Some people amaze me at how stupid they are. Since the rainbow flag represents gay pride, people turned the conversation to that subject. Here's the story: I guess a couple months ago, a company called "Just Cookies" was asked to make a bunch of rainbow cupcakes for a gay pride event. They refused with the reply of "we don't make cupcakes". That's understandable. But then.. they came back with the comment "I explained we're a family-run business, we have two young, impressionable daughters, and we thought maybe it was best not to do that." Are you freaking kidding me? These people need to get out into the world a little bit. They could have left it at "we don't make cupcakes" or at least offered cookies.. But they had to later add that it wouldn't be good for their daughters to see them support and event like that. That is just ridiculous. So as I read the comments, I wanted to punch some people in the face.
Here is a little bit of what I read:
The Bad-
[I am proud of that company for standing up for their beliefs. Christ promised that we would face hardship as we followed him. . . I am so thankful for the encouragement that this world is temporary and we can continue to hope in Christ and in a time when the truth will be made known to everyone. I hope that bakery stands firm. God will bless them for the steadfastness in the face of persecution.]
This one really made me want to punch them in the face. Read what she has compared this to.. They are totally different things. It's ridiculous!
[If you own a private business you should have the right to do business with or not do business with anyone you want. They didn't put up a sign saying something negative or positive about the event, they just declined an order. If they have enough business that they can afford to turn down the order fine, even if they are on the verge of closing their doors they should have the right to refuse the order.
If they were refusing to make cupcakes for the KKK or for a Mosque I'm guessing people would be lining up to order from them to show their support.
It's a sad time when it's only acceptable to express your opinions when everyone else agrees that you are being politically correct.
Personally, I think it's ashame we can't accept people for who they are regardless of their color, race, religion or sexual preference, but no one should be told what to believe. Saying the people who own this bakery HAVE to make the cupcakes for this group would be like telling the group it's wrong to be gay.] Nobody said that they HAD to make the freaking cupcakes. They just asked and it was the reason WHY the bakery declined that there is a problem..
[As a small business owner, I would have to completely agree with Just Cookies decision. I would have done the exact same thing. Regardless if I made cupcakes or not! As a photographer I wouldn't photograph a same-sex wedding, and I wouldn't photograph a vampire wedding! I wouldn't photograph a lot of things. I am not a bigot, just a business woman with discernment. If the client's lifestyle/requests don't sit right with my convictions then they can look for a photographer elsewhere.]
If you want to lose business, that's your own choice..
[If you are an atheist business owner, say, a cake maker... do you have the right to not make christening or baptism or confirmation or dedication or bah mitzvah cakes? Isn't that a right of the business owner?]
[This is just ridiculous. Good for the shop owner for saying no.
To me there is a difference in someone coming into your shop to buy your product and someone coming in with a special order that will be used at a homosexual event.
I'm tired of our society becoming so enraged when someone takes a stand against homosexuality. Christians have been quiet for far too long. Why? Are we afraid we are going to step on some one's toes? What God says is sin is sin and we shouldn't knowingly support it with our dollars. (That's why we've banned Home Depot.)
Reading this also made me wonder what God things of His rainbow--His symbol for a promise as you said-- turned into a symbol for homosexuality, something that He says is an abomination.]
[The rainbow means the same thing for me as it does for you. I wouldn't boycott them. And you are absolutely right, it isn't right that they stir up contention and trouble for others when they say they want all to be accepted. We all have a choice. I applaud them for standing up for their beliefs, for not making-up another reason to give as to why they wouldn't take the job, instead of copping out and giving one that is more socially acceptable in today's climate.
It is hard knowing that a symbol of love and peace means something different, contrasting to the beliefs of so many others.
We currently use the rainbow in our logo (family business) but have been trying to convince my father-in-law that it's time to dump it, it means something so much different, and we don't want to pass on the wrong idea. We don't want to imitate that which doesn't fit into what we believe.
I pray that these people are blessed for doing what they believe to be right, not bending with the winds of opposition that are blowing at them and giving in.]
[But what about those of us that share a different opinion? I own a rental property...happen to live here with my four children. I disagree with homosexuality. Should I be forced to rent to a homosexual couple?
I ran a home daycare. Should I be forced to take in a student that has same-sex parents?
As gay marriage becomes legal in more and more states, are churches going to be open to lawsuits if they refuse to marry a same-sex couple?
I'm not acting hateful. I don't hate persons that are gay. My hairstylist is gay...I've gone to him for almost 15 years. My sister and brother both went through a period where they thought they were gay...still loved them and treated them with respect.] Yes lady, you have the right to refuse kids for the daycare or renters of the apartment. But that's not what this is about. It's the reason why. If you refuse the kid at your daycare JUST because he has gay parents, that's discrimination and that's rude. But this is what I don't get, so if you would want to deny a child at your day care just because he has gay parents, why would you go to a gay hairdresser? Does that make sense to anybody else?
And now for some good- :)
[OK fine. They don't serve cupcakes. The issue isn't cupcakes. Cupcakes aside, you're telling me it's OK not to make them rainbow cookies because of who they love? We must have different Gods because my God doesn't reward people for discrimination. Hey, I have a good idea. Let's put all the gays in an island. Let's segregate the coloreds and revoke the voting rights of women folk. Has anyone out there heard of a little document called the Constitution of the United Stated of America? I don't care who anyone loves. I'll take love over hate any day.]
[If you are a business owner and you make a political statement of any kind the people who disagree with that statement will likely attack you in some way and it will affect your business. If they’d stuck with “We don’t make cupcakes” this would’t be a big deal. Sure, they have the freedom to express their values, but to think it won’t have an effect on your business in 2010 when you make such a political statement to a camera crew? Really?
If I, as the owner of a cupcake business, speak out against – let’s just say Christianity for the purpose of this discussion – do you really believe that anyone who considers him/herself to be a Christian would patronize my bakery? Doubtful. In fact, I’d bet that someone would make just as big of a deal about it as this is being made out to be.]
[People make mountains out of mole hills all.the.time.
When does it stop? As you can probably guess - I am not against a gay lifestyle - to each their own I say. If you are doing something that doesn't hurt me or my family - why should I be bothered by it?
I'm much more concerned with crimes that take place all around us, every single day...I worry about that...not about who someone chooses to love..]
[If you're going to make a business choice based on a political or religious issue and then make it known to the public that your actions were based on your beliefs you should expect that people with the opposite beliefs aren't going to support you.
You don't support them.. why should they come to you and spend their money or recommend you to their friends?
I think that business practices should be kept separate from beliefs and that people should not be denied services based on their lifestyles. If a business owner wants to do this, then they should be prepared to lose any customers with different beliefs.]
[OK, if it were me, I'd not do business with them any longer. I am the mom of a gay son, and well, why it may not be my choice for him, it is HIS choice. I support him no matter what. So if a business was not 'gay friendly' for whatever reason, I'd no longer go there. I would NOT do mean things, I would just no longer give them my business.]
[I'm a Christian and I'm so tired of all the HATE...it's very waring and so contradictory. God tells us not to judge others...that's his job....I hate it when Christians feel they need to speak for others like we are all like-minded.
Speak with kindness and treat your neighbor as you would yourself.
Look at what just happened at Rutgers...that poor boy...that was a PERSON and some one's son. A son of God also.]
[I was raised as catholic but thankfully I didn't take for granted what was taught to me,I could see too much hypocrisy and I arrived at the point that I hate the concept of "religion"(any of them) just because what they do is "spread words of love, but just for those who are like you",and if you (think or live)in a different way, you have no right (to eat? to love? to choose?to live?), so I obviously disagree with the reason of the refusal. I don't care about the sexual life of anybody, as long as that doesn't bother me.They shouldn't have given this reason, but of course I do think that the bakers had the freedom and the right to choose or not the order, just, they missed a bit of sensibility with the answer.(what if someone tells you they won't sell you something just because you are Christian!!)And about those "impressionable daughters", they had a good lessons on how to discriminate.]
[hmmm. i am a Christian and i belong to a church who embraces the gay community and performs gay marriages. we believe in including everyone and providing a place of worship for everyone, including people who are gay. a rainbow is a rainbow, and it's a positive symbol for Christians and gays alike. can't Christians just accept and love everyone? (instead of saying 'I'm not making rainbow cupcakes for you GAY people and your coming out day.') i thought loving and accepting is what we were supposed to do as Christians.]
So anywho.. this ended up being way longer than I thought.. but this is my final opinion on the subject:
I think that it was completely rude of the company to do this. I get that they don't make cupcakes, but they could have suggested cookies.. Yes, they have a right to have an opinion. But they went about it the wrong way. No wonder they are getting such bad publicity! If they refused this just because it was for a "gay" event, they are gonna get a lot of bad comments. If they had gone through with it, they could have got a lot of new customers and free publicity! And now.. because of their reason to deny it, they are losing business. Since I support Gay Pride, I wouldn't go to that store or suggest it to anybody I know.. They could have gone about it in a totally different way. Yes, they get an opinion but you need to think about what you're saying when you own a business. I personally think that your own opinion should stay out of your business unless you want a big controversy like this.. It could just put you out of business.. And as for all those people who are "christians", I'm not bashing your religion, but aren't you supposed to accept everybody for who they are and not hate or judge people just because they are different than you?? I know that some people in all religions are so close minded. But that doesn't mean that all people in the religion are.. I don't hate christians or Mormons or catholics. I don't care if people gay, straight, white, black, or purple. My mom raised me to accept all people JUST THE WAY THEY ARE! Yes, I hate some people but that's because they are jerks,(I haven't gotten to the whole "forgiving" stage yet) but it's not because of their race or sexuality. Why can't we just let people live their lives? We shouldn't hate people because of who they love. This isn't the 1400s. Women now have a right to vote now, gay people should have the right to get married!! I know a lot of gay couples that have been together for as long as I can remember. Why don't they have the right to get married and treasure it? Some straight people get married and then divorced a year later.. Why wouldn't we let the people who would actually appreciate the right, get married? Makes no sense to me.. Also, for the business, I don't think you should going around saying that their food tastes horrible or anything. That's not even relevant. But if you're like me, you just won't support them or suggest it to people. It's that easy! :)
*** I commented on the post with my opinion and pretty much said what I said in the last paragraph there. And this is the email I got in return from the lady who runs the blog...
Hi Shantel,
I am a "Christian" and as a "Christian" we are to love and honor and obey God. That includes loving our fellow man. However, as a "Christian" you are not to condone sin. I believe in the Bible above all, and the Bible declares homosexuality to be a sin. (among many other things!)
Sin separates us from God. Therefore, I am not going to rejoice in anyone choosing sin over a relationship with God! It would be my ultimate goal for everyone to experience the joy and bliss of truly being a relationship with Jesus and knowing the peace that only His love can bring. :)
Have a blessed day-
Amanda ***
Well thanks for reading. If you got offended.. Don't' say I didn't warn you. That's just my opinion. But I want to hear your opinion, so comment!
So I just wanted to write on this topic because it disturbs me. Let's start out with.. I Support Gay Pride and Gay Marriage. Always have, always will.
---If my opinion on this post is going to offend you, don't read it.---
I bring up this topic because I was on a recipe blog today and I saw one for a rainbow cake. I was pretty excited because I love to dye cakes and pancakes and everything! So I was excited to hear about how they did theirs. And then I started reading the comments. Some people amaze me at how stupid they are. Since the rainbow flag represents gay pride, people turned the conversation to that subject. Here's the story: I guess a couple months ago, a company called "Just Cookies" was asked to make a bunch of rainbow cupcakes for a gay pride event. They refused with the reply of "we don't make cupcakes". That's understandable. But then.. they came back with the comment "I explained we're a family-run business, we have two young, impressionable daughters, and we thought maybe it was best not to do that." Are you freaking kidding me? These people need to get out into the world a little bit. They could have left it at "we don't make cupcakes" or at least offered cookies.. But they had to later add that it wouldn't be good for their daughters to see them support and event like that. That is just ridiculous. So as I read the comments, I wanted to punch some people in the face.
Here is a little bit of what I read:
The Bad-
[I am proud of that company for standing up for their beliefs. Christ promised that we would face hardship as we followed him. . . I am so thankful for the encouragement that this world is temporary and we can continue to hope in Christ and in a time when the truth will be made known to everyone. I hope that bakery stands firm. God will bless them for the steadfastness in the face of persecution.]
This one really made me want to punch them in the face. Read what she has compared this to.. They are totally different things. It's ridiculous!
[If you own a private business you should have the right to do business with or not do business with anyone you want. They didn't put up a sign saying something negative or positive about the event, they just declined an order. If they have enough business that they can afford to turn down the order fine, even if they are on the verge of closing their doors they should have the right to refuse the order.
If they were refusing to make cupcakes for the KKK or for a Mosque I'm guessing people would be lining up to order from them to show their support.
It's a sad time when it's only acceptable to express your opinions when everyone else agrees that you are being politically correct.
Personally, I think it's ashame we can't accept people for who they are regardless of their color, race, religion or sexual preference, but no one should be told what to believe. Saying the people who own this bakery HAVE to make the cupcakes for this group would be like telling the group it's wrong to be gay.] Nobody said that they HAD to make the freaking cupcakes. They just asked and it was the reason WHY the bakery declined that there is a problem..
[As a small business owner, I would have to completely agree with Just Cookies decision. I would have done the exact same thing. Regardless if I made cupcakes or not! As a photographer I wouldn't photograph a same-sex wedding, and I wouldn't photograph a vampire wedding! I wouldn't photograph a lot of things. I am not a bigot, just a business woman with discernment. If the client's lifestyle/requests don't sit right with my convictions then they can look for a photographer elsewhere.]
If you want to lose business, that's your own choice..
[If you are an atheist business owner, say, a cake maker... do you have the right to not make christening or baptism or confirmation or dedication or bah mitzvah cakes? Isn't that a right of the business owner?]
[This is just ridiculous. Good for the shop owner for saying no.
To me there is a difference in someone coming into your shop to buy your product and someone coming in with a special order that will be used at a homosexual event.
I'm tired of our society becoming so enraged when someone takes a stand against homosexuality. Christians have been quiet for far too long. Why? Are we afraid we are going to step on some one's toes? What God says is sin is sin and we shouldn't knowingly support it with our dollars. (That's why we've banned Home Depot.)
Reading this also made me wonder what God things of His rainbow--His symbol for a promise as you said-- turned into a symbol for homosexuality, something that He says is an abomination.]
[The rainbow means the same thing for me as it does for you. I wouldn't boycott them. And you are absolutely right, it isn't right that they stir up contention and trouble for others when they say they want all to be accepted. We all have a choice. I applaud them for standing up for their beliefs, for not making-up another reason to give as to why they wouldn't take the job, instead of copping out and giving one that is more socially acceptable in today's climate.
It is hard knowing that a symbol of love and peace means something different, contrasting to the beliefs of so many others.
We currently use the rainbow in our logo (family business) but have been trying to convince my father-in-law that it's time to dump it, it means something so much different, and we don't want to pass on the wrong idea. We don't want to imitate that which doesn't fit into what we believe.
I pray that these people are blessed for doing what they believe to be right, not bending with the winds of opposition that are blowing at them and giving in.]
[But what about those of us that share a different opinion? I own a rental property...happen to live here with my four children. I disagree with homosexuality. Should I be forced to rent to a homosexual couple?
I ran a home daycare. Should I be forced to take in a student that has same-sex parents?
As gay marriage becomes legal in more and more states, are churches going to be open to lawsuits if they refuse to marry a same-sex couple?
I'm not acting hateful. I don't hate persons that are gay. My hairstylist is gay...I've gone to him for almost 15 years. My sister and brother both went through a period where they thought they were gay...still loved them and treated them with respect.] Yes lady, you have the right to refuse kids for the daycare or renters of the apartment. But that's not what this is about. It's the reason why. If you refuse the kid at your daycare JUST because he has gay parents, that's discrimination and that's rude. But this is what I don't get, so if you would want to deny a child at your day care just because he has gay parents, why would you go to a gay hairdresser? Does that make sense to anybody else?
And now for some good- :)
[OK fine. They don't serve cupcakes. The issue isn't cupcakes. Cupcakes aside, you're telling me it's OK not to make them rainbow cookies because of who they love? We must have different Gods because my God doesn't reward people for discrimination. Hey, I have a good idea. Let's put all the gays in an island. Let's segregate the coloreds and revoke the voting rights of women folk. Has anyone out there heard of a little document called the Constitution of the United Stated of America? I don't care who anyone loves. I'll take love over hate any day.]
[If you are a business owner and you make a political statement of any kind the people who disagree with that statement will likely attack you in some way and it will affect your business. If they’d stuck with “We don’t make cupcakes” this would’t be a big deal. Sure, they have the freedom to express their values, but to think it won’t have an effect on your business in 2010 when you make such a political statement to a camera crew? Really?
If I, as the owner of a cupcake business, speak out against – let’s just say Christianity for the purpose of this discussion – do you really believe that anyone who considers him/herself to be a Christian would patronize my bakery? Doubtful. In fact, I’d bet that someone would make just as big of a deal about it as this is being made out to be.]
[People make mountains out of mole hills all.the.time.
When does it stop? As you can probably guess - I am not against a gay lifestyle - to each their own I say. If you are doing something that doesn't hurt me or my family - why should I be bothered by it?
I'm much more concerned with crimes that take place all around us, every single day...I worry about that...not about who someone chooses to love..]
[If you're going to make a business choice based on a political or religious issue and then make it known to the public that your actions were based on your beliefs you should expect that people with the opposite beliefs aren't going to support you.
You don't support them.. why should they come to you and spend their money or recommend you to their friends?
I think that business practices should be kept separate from beliefs and that people should not be denied services based on their lifestyles. If a business owner wants to do this, then they should be prepared to lose any customers with different beliefs.]
[OK, if it were me, I'd not do business with them any longer. I am the mom of a gay son, and well, why it may not be my choice for him, it is HIS choice. I support him no matter what. So if a business was not 'gay friendly' for whatever reason, I'd no longer go there. I would NOT do mean things, I would just no longer give them my business.]
[I'm a Christian and I'm so tired of all the HATE...it's very waring and so contradictory. God tells us not to judge others...that's his job....I hate it when Christians feel they need to speak for others like we are all like-minded.
Speak with kindness and treat your neighbor as you would yourself.
Look at what just happened at Rutgers...that poor boy...that was a PERSON and some one's son. A son of God also.]
[I was raised as catholic but thankfully I didn't take for granted what was taught to me,I could see too much hypocrisy and I arrived at the point that I hate the concept of "religion"(any of them) just because what they do is "spread words of love, but just for those who are like you",and if you (think or live)in a different way, you have no right (to eat? to love? to choose?to live?), so I obviously disagree with the reason of the refusal. I don't care about the sexual life of anybody, as long as that doesn't bother me.They shouldn't have given this reason, but of course I do think that the bakers had the freedom and the right to choose or not the order, just, they missed a bit of sensibility with the answer.(what if someone tells you they won't sell you something just because you are Christian!!)And about those "impressionable daughters", they had a good lessons on how to discriminate.]
[hmmm. i am a Christian and i belong to a church who embraces the gay community and performs gay marriages. we believe in including everyone and providing a place of worship for everyone, including people who are gay. a rainbow is a rainbow, and it's a positive symbol for Christians and gays alike. can't Christians just accept and love everyone? (instead of saying 'I'm not making rainbow cupcakes for you GAY people and your coming out day.') i thought loving and accepting is what we were supposed to do as Christians.]
So anywho.. this ended up being way longer than I thought.. but this is my final opinion on the subject:
I think that it was completely rude of the company to do this. I get that they don't make cupcakes, but they could have suggested cookies.. Yes, they have a right to have an opinion. But they went about it the wrong way. No wonder they are getting such bad publicity! If they refused this just because it was for a "gay" event, they are gonna get a lot of bad comments. If they had gone through with it, they could have got a lot of new customers and free publicity! And now.. because of their reason to deny it, they are losing business. Since I support Gay Pride, I wouldn't go to that store or suggest it to anybody I know.. They could have gone about it in a totally different way. Yes, they get an opinion but you need to think about what you're saying when you own a business. I personally think that your own opinion should stay out of your business unless you want a big controversy like this.. It could just put you out of business.. And as for all those people who are "christians", I'm not bashing your religion, but aren't you supposed to accept everybody for who they are and not hate or judge people just because they are different than you?? I know that some people in all religions are so close minded. But that doesn't mean that all people in the religion are.. I don't hate christians or Mormons or catholics. I don't care if people gay, straight, white, black, or purple. My mom raised me to accept all people JUST THE WAY THEY ARE! Yes, I hate some people but that's because they are jerks,(I haven't gotten to the whole "forgiving" stage yet) but it's not because of their race or sexuality. Why can't we just let people live their lives? We shouldn't hate people because of who they love. This isn't the 1400s. Women now have a right to vote now, gay people should have the right to get married!! I know a lot of gay couples that have been together for as long as I can remember. Why don't they have the right to get married and treasure it? Some straight people get married and then divorced a year later.. Why wouldn't we let the people who would actually appreciate the right, get married? Makes no sense to me.. Also, for the business, I don't think you should going around saying that their food tastes horrible or anything. That's not even relevant. But if you're like me, you just won't support them or suggest it to people. It's that easy! :)
*** I commented on the post with my opinion and pretty much said what I said in the last paragraph there. And this is the email I got in return from the lady who runs the blog...
Hi Shantel,
I am a "Christian" and as a "Christian" we are to love and honor and obey God. That includes loving our fellow man. However, as a "Christian" you are not to condone sin. I believe in the Bible above all, and the Bible declares homosexuality to be a sin. (among many other things!)
Sin separates us from God. Therefore, I am not going to rejoice in anyone choosing sin over a relationship with God! It would be my ultimate goal for everyone to experience the joy and bliss of truly being a relationship with Jesus and knowing the peace that only His love can bring. :)
Have a blessed day-
Amanda ***
Well thanks for reading. If you got offended.. Don't' say I didn't warn you. That's just my opinion. But I want to hear your opinion, so comment!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
New Meds..
A while ago.. I wrote this-
So about a month or so ago, I started some new medication called Lamictal. It takes a while to build up the dosage so I finally have started 200 mg. The average dose that people take is about 200-300 mg. But my mom takes 450 mg so I have no idea how much I need. I was hoping that it would start kicking in after I took the 200s for a week or so. I haven’t really seen any results yet.. But hopefully sometime soon we will see some change! My new psychiatrist said that Lamictal is really good for Bipolar Depression. It’s supposed to be a mood stabilizer, an anti depressant, and it is supposed to help with migraines all in one. That would be amazing if it actually worked.. We will see what happens!
Update: THEY ARE WORKING!! :)
I'm so happy to report that I have inspiration and some energy. It has been so long since I've wanted to do anything. For the past couple months I have been more awake and now these pills give me the extra boost of inspiration. I LOVE to cook now. I'm cooking like crazy! I have been baking cookies and treats and dinner and all kinds of stuff. I've learned to make delicious spaghetti and stir fry and all kinds of delicious dinners. And I actually get up to make them That's a big step! :) So I'm happy that my pills are working. And my new psychiatrist is going good. Things are going really great!! :)
So about a month or so ago, I started some new medication called Lamictal. It takes a while to build up the dosage so I finally have started 200 mg. The average dose that people take is about 200-300 mg. But my mom takes 450 mg so I have no idea how much I need. I was hoping that it would start kicking in after I took the 200s for a week or so. I haven’t really seen any results yet.. But hopefully sometime soon we will see some change! My new psychiatrist said that Lamictal is really good for Bipolar Depression. It’s supposed to be a mood stabilizer, an anti depressant, and it is supposed to help with migraines all in one. That would be amazing if it actually worked.. We will see what happens!
Update: THEY ARE WORKING!! :)
I'm so happy to report that I have inspiration and some energy. It has been so long since I've wanted to do anything. For the past couple months I have been more awake and now these pills give me the extra boost of inspiration. I LOVE to cook now. I'm cooking like crazy! I have been baking cookies and treats and dinner and all kinds of stuff. I've learned to make delicious spaghetti and stir fry and all kinds of delicious dinners. And I actually get up to make them That's a big step! :) So I'm happy that my pills are working. And my new psychiatrist is going good. Things are going really great!! :)
19!
When my birthday rolls around, it's always... interesting. There's good and bad things about it.
Some Good Things:
1. I get to see all the people that actually like me. They appreciate me in their lives and that is amazing in itself. People don't know how much it means to me that they actually talk to me and be nice. With everything that I've been through, I am thrilled abou that! :)
2.I get to have a party with those people.
3. This year was exciting because I'm 19.. You know what that means.. Canada! :) I went up and had my first legal drink. I've tasted a few drinks in my life but I'm not one of those kids that is an alcoholic by age 16.. I don't drink. But I figured it would be an exciting adventure. And let me tell you... It's still not on my list of favorite things. But it was exciting. :)
And with the good comes the bad:
1. Family Drama. Everybody has it, but you haven't met my family. Everybody hates eachother secretly but is nice to them face to face. Afterwards, they gossip to everyone about how stupid that person is and how much they hate them. Fun, Right? haha. It's hard to get them all in a room together. I like to avoid it.. I attempted that this year and it turned out a little interesting.. Let's just say.. It shouldn't have been as dramatic as it was but you know how some people are..
2. I've realize how much I've lost in life. And I realize how many friends that I don't have.. Very depressing.
3. To all those people that have been around forever and been to every birthday of mine, and then decided to screw me over.. thanks for ruining my past memories and wasting my time. I'm so glad that you aren't around anymore. I don't need crappy people like that in my life! :)
Some Good Things:
1. I get to see all the people that actually like me. They appreciate me in their lives and that is amazing in itself. People don't know how much it means to me that they actually talk to me and be nice. With everything that I've been through, I am thrilled abou that! :)
2.I get to have a party with those people.
3. This year was exciting because I'm 19.. You know what that means.. Canada! :) I went up and had my first legal drink. I've tasted a few drinks in my life but I'm not one of those kids that is an alcoholic by age 16.. I don't drink. But I figured it would be an exciting adventure. And let me tell you... It's still not on my list of favorite things. But it was exciting. :)
And with the good comes the bad:
1. Family Drama. Everybody has it, but you haven't met my family. Everybody hates eachother secretly but is nice to them face to face. Afterwards, they gossip to everyone about how stupid that person is and how much they hate them. Fun, Right? haha. It's hard to get them all in a room together. I like to avoid it.. I attempted that this year and it turned out a little interesting.. Let's just say.. It shouldn't have been as dramatic as it was but you know how some people are..
2. I've realize how much I've lost in life. And I realize how many friends that I don't have.. Very depressing.
3. To all those people that have been around forever and been to every birthday of mine, and then decided to screw me over.. thanks for ruining my past memories and wasting my time. I'm so glad that you aren't around anymore. I don't need crappy people like that in my life! :)
Christmas.
Christmas.... Let's start out with I Love Christmas. It is one of my favorite holidays. I love spending time with my family. My brother was home for 3 weeks. We all hung out and just spent some good time together. We baked a ton of cookies which was a good time. It's a new thing this year for me because I am actually awake and have energy! But I love the spirit of the holiday and the christmas music and the lights and especially my elvis stockings. :)
And another thing.. I hate this holiday. My parents are divorced. Even though they are still friends, we have to have 2 seperate christmases. I wish that we could just all spend the day together like we used to. But everything is changing and I'm not a fan of it. This year, there was a new thing added to christmas: my mom's boyfriend. I think that he is around too much and it really gets on my nerves. But I also LOVE my space and I'm not really a fan of having someone spend THAT much time here! Especially because we live in a little apartment. I know that my mom wants to spend time, but they can go do their own thing. So anyway.. I don't really like change and adding him to christmas was not very exciting. I just like spending time with my family on special holidays. That includes- my mom, my dad, my brother, and my gma and gpa. Also, my brother leaves on christmas too because he goes to see his girlfriend and her family. I'm fine with that but it's just different. We do get to have our traditions in the morning. But it's all changing and I don't want it to. I slept through some of it and I want that time back. But I'll never get it..
Another reason why I hate christmas coming around is because my best friend died 5 minutes after christmas. Yep. December 26th, 2007. After all this stupid sleep crap and bipolar stuff I had to go through.. Everybody moved on with their life and ignored me. But even through all of that, she was still my friend. She accepted me for who I was. She was the only one that stayed around. And then...... she got cancer. I don't know why it had to be her.. She was amazing. She was so kind, so positive and just a great person. I know that sometimes when people die, people only focus on the good things and make them sound like the perfect person that never did anything crappy. But Chelsey was really like that. She was awesome. She was my best friend since pre school. And she died. I cannot believe it's been 3 years already.. It's still hard to this day. I don't know why we would lose somebody this great and this important. I think about her everybody. The hardest thing is that sometimes I want to call her up and see if she wants to hang out.. but then I realize that I will never get to talk to her again. She's gone. I miss her everyday and wish that she was here. But there's nothing I can do about that I guess.. It just sucks..
And another thing.. I hate this holiday. My parents are divorced. Even though they are still friends, we have to have 2 seperate christmases. I wish that we could just all spend the day together like we used to. But everything is changing and I'm not a fan of it. This year, there was a new thing added to christmas: my mom's boyfriend. I think that he is around too much and it really gets on my nerves. But I also LOVE my space and I'm not really a fan of having someone spend THAT much time here! Especially because we live in a little apartment. I know that my mom wants to spend time, but they can go do their own thing. So anyway.. I don't really like change and adding him to christmas was not very exciting. I just like spending time with my family on special holidays. That includes- my mom, my dad, my brother, and my gma and gpa. Also, my brother leaves on christmas too because he goes to see his girlfriend and her family. I'm fine with that but it's just different. We do get to have our traditions in the morning. But it's all changing and I don't want it to. I slept through some of it and I want that time back. But I'll never get it..
Another reason why I hate christmas coming around is because my best friend died 5 minutes after christmas. Yep. December 26th, 2007. After all this stupid sleep crap and bipolar stuff I had to go through.. Everybody moved on with their life and ignored me. But even through all of that, she was still my friend. She accepted me for who I was. She was the only one that stayed around. And then...... she got cancer. I don't know why it had to be her.. She was amazing. She was so kind, so positive and just a great person. I know that sometimes when people die, people only focus on the good things and make them sound like the perfect person that never did anything crappy. But Chelsey was really like that. She was awesome. She was my best friend since pre school. And she died. I cannot believe it's been 3 years already.. It's still hard to this day. I don't know why we would lose somebody this great and this important. I think about her everybody. The hardest thing is that sometimes I want to call her up and see if she wants to hang out.. but then I realize that I will never get to talk to her again. She's gone. I miss her everyday and wish that she was here. But there's nothing I can do about that I guess.. It just sucks..
Happy New Year!!
I cannot even believe that it's 2011 already. It seems like we were just going through the Y2K incident.. But I guess it's real. One thing that never actually hits me is the time that seems to fly by superrrrrr fast. But all the sleeping I did really screwed me up there. Another thing to list on the "why I hate sleeping" list. But since I slept for a few years, I still seems like I am still 14. It is crazy to me to think that I am 19. I don't know how this happend!! The other day I was thinking about something and it was something like 8 or 10 years from now and I was like.. oh ya then I'll be 25. Then I thought about and 25 is only 6 years away from me!! It scares me that everything is going by so fast!! But anyway.. I think that this year will be pretty good.. A lot of great things are happening to me! My new pills are actually making a difference after trying atleast 30 different kinds within the last.. 9 years? I've tried TONS of them that either didn't even make a difference and then there were some that worked a tiny bit but not good enough for me to take the rest of my life. But I'll get into that in one of the next posts. But I think it will be a good year! I'm excited to see what happens! :)
It's been a while..
So I know that it's been a few months since I've "blogged". I could say that I was too busy to do it or whatever. But pretty much, I've been too lazy. I have a lot of thoughts that would be good for my blog but I never actually get around to putting it on here. I do have a few posts that I've saved to my computer.. So I will add them today. Plus a few that are on my brain. :)
Thanks for following! :)
Thanks for following! :)
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