Goodbye March.

Well well well.. today is march 31st. Time is just flying by! But today I got done house sitting. I'm gonna miss the animals! This is Kylie, Ruby, and Power Ranger snuggling!

Ruby is such a cute dog! She has the energy of a puppy and she is so much fun to play with!

Kylie is great too! I love how chill she is! We have the same amount of energy. :) She just lays around.. just like me! And of course she gets extra points because she is a rhodesian ridgeback. Those dogs are awesome! This is Kylie and Power Ranger playing:

And how could I forget little Power Ranger? He is such an adorable kitty! He looks a lot like my old cat. And we cuddle on the couch. He's so soft and comfy! I love snuggling with him! :)
What a cute kitty!:

But tonight I'm back home. Doing pretty much the same thing except no cuddling with Power Ranger. :( I just have to be ready for the busy busy days ahead.
Speaking of that.. I think I am off to bed now. Hopefully I can sleep my full 12 hours. My pills don't work to wake me up, so it would be great to sleep in til about noon! :)
G'night.

<3>

Hi. :)

I always seem to write more than I intended.. but I always think of more things to say. So I decided to keep this one short.

Thanks for taking the time to read this! :)

<3 Shantel

The End.

Hello Again..

Well, there is one new thing in my life the last 2 days. And that is.... DUCT TAPE!! :) I have recently learned how to make duct tape wallets and duct tape roses. They are not just the plain ol' gray. They are colorful! I went and got neon orange, neon green, neon pink, teal, yellow, crimson, and red! I have made 2 wallets so far and they have turned out great! I made 1 for my dad and 1 for my mom.



I have also made about 6-7 roses for my mom for her bday.. Shhh!! I'll give them to her on Friday before her bday party and I'm sure she will love them! :)



I really love to write books and scrapbook. I would love to do that ALL the time but I don't have energy ALL the time. I really have like 10% energy everyday. And it sucks... a lot. But I love making things out of duct tape because I can just sit there and do that. It doesn't require a lot of work.. which is what works for me! :) So I really like doing it! It keeps my hands busy but doesn't require a ton of energy.
Also- Me and my mom have to meet with my 2 psychiatrists on Monday to talk about what medications are working, and what aren't. Here's a hint: NONE ARE WORKING!! But they don't really care. So maybe I will get through to them this time. Or I might have to write another letter explaining why he is wrong and he needs to be a better doctor. I just was expressing my opinion and he said that he had never had a hate note before. Trust me.. that's not a hate note. Because I am excellent at writing those! :) But he is just making up all kinds of crap to try and explain what's going on with me. He says I might have some kind of Fatigue disorder or something. He's like oh.. she's tired all the time and has no energy, maybe she has this.. But you would have thought that he would have figured that out....oh maybe 5 years ago!!!!

Anyway.. We'll see how that goes. But I do have a new love for colorful Duct Tape which is AWESOME!!

And also, I should just add.. I kind of love this guy. I have for a while. He is SUPER nice and he was always awesome! He might not have understood what I was going through, but he always helped me through it. He made me laugh when I just wanted to punch people in the face! And he talked to me even I was sleeping a lot in middle school. He is just an awesome guy. But I haven't talked to him in a while. It's kind of hard to say.. Hey. Umm.. wanna hang out? By the way.. I kind of love you.. But I've been thinking about him a lot lately. And I really don't know how to ask him to even hang out. I kind of feel like everybody I used to know, hates me and I don't know how to approach anyone anymore, let alone him. But I just wanted to add that. He makes me smile just thinking about him! :)
And by the way.. its not Brent. He left me to go to Spain. Haha. I've never even talked to Brent because I get choked up every time I see him so I can't even talk. But I love him too because he is so hot!! and he's so nice and has a great family. He's perfect. :)
Anyway... It's not Brent. But I can't say who it is. One hint: I've known him since... 6th grade? that might give it away if he reads this.. Oh well. I dont' really care anymore. What's to lose right? I just can't say it to his face.. haha. I doubt that he reads this, and I doubt that anybody actually reads this besides my dad and my new awesome friend Elizabeth.
So Thanks Dad!! And Thanks Elizabeth!! :)

Elizabeth is my cool new friend who actually understands what I'm going through! I'm so happy to have her as a friend because she rocks!!

And also, I just wanted to thank the people I babysit for. You always talk to me and ask me how things are going when I see you. And you probably just think that you're talking to another person. But you don't know how much it means to me for someone to actually be nice to me!!! It makes me so happy because you guys are always so nice and such wonderful people! I really love your kids, they are awesome! And you guys are awesome too! I really don't know how to explain it to people, so I thought I would just express it here. I really appreciate you guys sooo much!!!! You guys are like my friends and you gave me hope for people! I had given up on people because they suck and they are jerks but you guys have given me a glimmer of hope. You are so kind and I really appreciate you guys! You brighten my day!! So thank you Jodi, Julia, and Denise!!! :)


So... that's the end for today. And tomorrow ends the month. I might not update as much because April is soooo busy for me. But I will try to update a lot! And when I'm in california (april 12-21)... I might post some weird blogs where I'll say that I hate my grandparents, the heat, my dad, and my dog.. etc. But just ignore those ones! haha. :)

The incorrect use of the word bipolar.

So today I was watching this new show that premiered on Nickelodeon. Yes, I'm 18 and still watch Nickelodeon. Anyway.. The name of the show is "Victorious" starring Victoria Justice. I was watching it and it seemed like pretty much any other Nickelodeon show, UNTIL.. she used the word bipolar when not referring to someone who IS actually bipolar. So I wrote on the message boards for the show and after I clicked 'Post', it said that the people would have to give it a "thumbs up" before posting it. I'm not sure if they will because they might think it's inappropriate but I think it's perfectly fine to write that if they are gonna use it. The exact line on the show was, "Oh ya, like regular schools have improv classes with barefoot teachers and nerds with puppets and Bipolar Cats and mean girls who make you bark like a dog?". By the way, one of the girls' names is Cat. And just because she's different does not mean that she is bipolar. She had not said that she was bipolar, and she did not act bipolar. When the main character Tori was asking her a question, she has said, "Well my name is Cat" and Tori responded with "oh like the animal?". Then Cat was acting as if she thought people would judge her or whatever and responded something like "Why? Do you think that's weird?" And she looked really worried as to what people thought. So the show must of figured, oh let's just add the word bipolar when we talk about her later because she's different. And I'm surprised that Nickelodeon would allow that! People just throw around the word now like, "Oh, you're so bipolar." and it's like saying, "Oh, that retarted." I highly doubt that Nickelodeon would EVER allow a show to use the word retard. But people don't care about the word bipolar. They think it's fine. Well, I AM bipolar and I think that it's offensive for them to just use it like that. Because people who say that, dont' know what it's about. I have to live with it everyday for the rest of my life. So if you don't know what it is, don't use the word!! Simple as that!
So if anybody knows a way to contact Nickelodeon, let me know!!.
I would gladly write them an email discussing my anger. And maybe I'll get a retraction or an email saying sorry. I just think that it's really surprising to see this in a kid show and have them see nothing wrong with it. Have people really gotten that stupid and selfish that they think it's ok to use it like that in real life and write it into a TV show?
And if they do post my message, I will copy and paste it in the comments. I forgot to copy and paste before, and I can't find it, or remember what I wrote... so hopefully they put it up. :)

Medication

Over the years, I have tried tons and tons of prescriptions. I've had some that were supposed to wake me up, some to control my moods, and some anti depressants.
Currently I am taking 7 pills a day and don't think that they are working at all. My psychiatrist tells me it takes time and blah blah blah. If I haven't noticed a slight difference by now, i doubt that they are going to work. I've been on some of them for about a month and a half to two months. What I'm currently taking: 7 am- Take 2 Provigil (100 mg each) and 1 Ritalin (50 mg). When I wake up I take 1 Sertraline (50 mg) At 2pm I take another Provigil (100 mg) and at 8:30pm I take 2 Seroquel (150 mg total). Provigil and the Ritalin are supposed to wake me up. I always go back to sleep after I take them and wake up about noon. Somedays I will sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. My take is that if I take the same medication, same dosage at the same time everyday. Shouldn't I wake up at the same time everyday? I mean that's what it's for. But its not working. The Sertraline is an anti- depressant. I've been on this for atleast 2 months and they haven't changed the dosage. It wasn't working even slightly the first month but when I told them that, they just added more pills. Wouldn't you think that if a medication isn't working, you would up the dosage to see if that helps, or switch to something else? Well not my psychiatrist. He sucks at his job. He doesn't listen to a word I say and he doesn't really care. After I take the Provigil at 2pm I shouldn't be able to take a nap. But some days I do. And remember.. the Provigil is supposed to wake me up and keep me awake. Finally the Seroquel. They gave me that because it is supposed to be a "miracle drug". It's supposed to help my depression, and bipolar. I take it at night because it's extended release so it's supposed to work the next day. I haven't noticed a difference with that except that about 2 hours after I take it, I get really dizzy!! I'm not just talking a little dizzy where I need to sit down. I get so dizzy that I need to like hold on to the wall and then I black out for a few seconds and get a really loud ringing in my ear so I can't hear anything. I used to take that at 6pm and it was only 100 mg. But when I told them about it, they told me to take it at 8 pm and then they bumped up the dose. And they said that I should be sitting in bed about 2 hours after I take it so I don't feel the dizziness. I'm so glad that they don't care that I have things to do after 10 pm somedays and they just decided to make it worse. My psychiatrist should really get another job because he sucks at what he does. And as my final proof for the day: Yesterday I actually went out of the house and socialized with people. It was at night and I had lots of fun!! But today, all I want to do is lay on the couch and take a nap because I'm SO tired. It's not because I was out at night because I got back here by like 10:45 and I normally don't go to bed til around 11:30 ish. But it's because it took a lot of energy for me to actually go out and do something. With all the pills that I'm on, I should be living a normal life and go do things everyday. But the anti depressants and everything are not working if I have to lay around all day catching up on my energy. I've also told my psychiatrist this but he doesn't seem to think this is a problem. He needs to try being me for a day! It's not as easy at it looks!

So my final statement for the day is that my medications are not working and my psychiatrist sucks because he isn't doing anything to help change that.

The Beginning..

Well.. I decided to start a blog to vent my feelings, explain myself and also just write about random things. First things first.. I am bipolar. Depressed. And have a sleep disorder. That is mostly what I will write about is dealing with all of that and trying to be "normal".
A little history on the issues..
I was diagnosed Bipolar when I was about 10 years old. My mom has known that I have had it my whole life. She just didn't want to take me in and have me misdiagnosed as ADD, ADHD, Depressed, etc.. So she waited until I was old enough and then we found out. When I was younger.. I used to have really bad fits of anger as my "manic" of bipolar. I would get so angry that I would black out from me and then rip pictures off the wall and throw everything around. Once I returned to myself, I wouldn't know what had happend but everybody would be mad at me. Before we knew that I was bipolar, we would just call that "the other shantel". And they had thought that maybe it was multiple personalities. In my opinion, that would have been more fun! :) But the fact of the matter is.. I'm bipolar. I'm not gonna deny it because that's who I am and it's not my fault. So I just roll with it. And also, when we went to go get tested for me being bipolar, we found out that my mom is Manic Bipolar. So we are opposite.. kinda. Bipolar is when you have extreme mood changes and can go from super hyper to super depressed. She is mostly manic and has TONS of energy and can run on little sleep. Where as I am mostly depressive and don't have a lot of energy and I need LOTS of sleep. This also ties into my sleep disorder. But that just means that when I just wake up, she knows now that she shouldn't strike a full conversation with me and talk really fast when I'm not even fully awake. So we have it figured out now..
I have a very rare sleep disorder called "Klein Levin Syndrome". I started sleeping a lot in 3rd grade where I could sleep for like a week at a time and just wake up for like a half hour everyday and try to fit everything in like shower, food, pills, family time.. We really didn't know what it was so we went down to Children's Hospital in Bellevue and had a sleep study done. Pretty much after that, they told me that I didn't have sleep apnea. Duh! But luckily, after we told the nurse all the problems that I had, she told us that she did a paper in college on something called "Klein Levin Syndrome" and that sounded a lot like what was going on with me. So throughout the night, she printed off about 200 pages on it off of the internet. My mom read that within the next week and said," OMG Shantel!! This is YOU!" And we took it to our doctor and he diagnosed me. I just want to give a big thank you to the nurse at Bellevue Children's Hospital for actually knowing about it and giving us an answer!! When I was diagnosed however many years ago, there were only 500 people in the WORLD who had it. They recently featured a video on MSNBC that was about a girl with the same sleep disorder. I was so happy to see something on it because it is so rare! They had said that there are only about 1,000 people in the world who have it. And there is no cure.. which we knew. You just have to wait for it to pass.. But anyway, throughout 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th grade, I only went to about 1/3 of the school year. I could sleep up to 10 days at a time and when I would actually wake up, I still wasnt fully awake. And that makes it kind of hard to go to school. Thank goodness that I am smart or else I would not have made it through all those grades! I really had some GREAT teachers that actually tried to understand me and help me! So thank you SO MUCH to you guys! And then I had some really crappy teachers who didn't care and told me to get an alarm clock! First of all, I get that you have like 200 students during the day so you can't give anything special to one student.. but I can't wake up to an alarm clock stupid!! It's like I'm in A COMA!! And sorry if when I wake up after so long, I would want to maybe take a shower or spend time with my family and see what they have been up to for 10 days while I was sleeping. School was not my top priority, especially when the teachers were jerks! But I continued and finally got my GED in December of '08 to finally be done with school! I was so happy when that day finally came! :) Point of the matter is- It's a rare sleep disorder. I can sleep a lot. I don't sleep for 10 days anymore but I still sleep a lot! I sleep about 12 hours a night and am still tired all day..
Ok.. now I really don't want to write a whole paragraph about depression.. So this is what I'm going to say:
Bipolar depression is like 500 time worse that when normal people are "depressed". I really hate when people are like, I'm so depressed, I don't wanna go to school. Suck it up people! I get so depressed to where I can't even get up off the couch because it hurts my whole body!! I'll be starving and the kitchen is like 4 feet away but I can't make myself get up and walk there because it is a lot of work and my body just can't do it. And I have to live like that for weeks at a time for months! Have you ever been so depressed to where you physically can not move? No? Then don't even talk to me about being depressed. Thanks.

So that's my first blog post. Probably later in the day or tomorrow I will update about medication and how much I hate it and how frustrating it is.
But this is my life. If you have any questions, ask me.
And thank you for taking the time to read this! I really appreciate it! :)