Happy Halloween!

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/TaOW3m53l4tiFwMp

Happy Halloween 2. :)

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/UsZrJQXhGAa6YPQs

What happend to my life?

So tonight is not a good night. It's one of "those" nights that I really really hate my stupid sleep disorder and I hate everything that screwed my life up.
In elementary school and middle school, I had lots of friends. I would talk to them at school all the time and talk online. But then I stopped going to school and I stopped leaving my house. I was in my own little world here and I am still afraid to leave it. The thing is that everybody I used to know, moved on with their lives. They kept going to school. They kept meeting new people and they all have their own group of friends. I don't blame people for not waiting around. I just HATE how this all turned out.
So anyway, today I went to pick up my mom from work because I have her car because mine is broken and sucky. But she told me that one of my favorite old friends was at Haggen. So I was excited to go say hi. But when I got there, that person was in the parking lot where my mom was standing. And I got out of the car and couldn't do it. That said person was standing with some of their friends and talking to someone in the car a few spaces down. I REALLY wanted to go say hi but I couldn't. My mom's like.. "they're right over there. go say hi.". But I thought to myself, "Well they wouldn't really care either way. They don't remember me. They won't wanna say hi to me." So I just got back in the car and left. I was so mad at myself for not going to say hi. But I just couldn't make myself do it. People moved on.. They don't care about me anymore...

SWAG BUCKS

So I heard about this thing a couple weeks ago called Swag Bucks. Pretty much what you do is sign up, and just search on it instead of Google. And every couple of times you search, you earn something called Swag Bucks. And with these Swag Bucks, you can earn gift cards and prizes. It takes A LOT of searches to get stuff, but if you search a lot anyway, you should sign up! You can win from like 3-11 swag bucks every couple searches. And you need about 1000 to win a $5 gift card for amazon.
But if you sign up this week- (which I'm guessing is until Friday the 13th)then you get 70 swag bucks instead of 30. It's really easy to use. So if you want to win free stuff for lots of searching, sign up! It's fun! :)

Also- if you sign up, tell them I sent you. >> http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/ShantelMarie << this is me! :)

Fear.

So I have recently discovered that I have a fear of life. Not being alive. But having a life. Since I have been sleeping for so long, I got out of touch with people. I only talk with them over facebook really. And I am afraid of having a life. In my mind, I have told myself that everybody hates me. And I really don't know why. But that's just the way that I think. So I am afraid of leaving my house. I am afraid to leave my little bubble that I have in my apartment because I think that everybody hates me and everybody is judging me. It's weird, I know. But that's just the way I think.. for some reason.
And that is why I really appreciate people saying nice things. You have no idea how much it means to me for people to actually like me. I just need to get out of my house and go make more friends. It's just really really hard for me. I can't be vulnerable. It's like that saying, reject them before they reject you. Well I just act like I hate everybody before they can hate me. I mean, let me be honest, I do really hate some people. But most people, I just don't interact with so they can't get to know me. Because if I spend my time getting to know them, they will just leave. So it's a big thing for me to get out and do things.
I just wish that I could go out and do simple things like go to the Haggen without contemplating it for an hour in my head.

GRADUATION!

So I made it through graduation and was SO happy that I went. My mom had to work so she couldn't go with me. And that made me kind of not wanna go. But I decided I better go or I will be mad at myself. So I went with my dad. The reason I wanted to go with my mom is because she knows all the people. And she gets how hard it is for me to go there and do that. But it turned out fine. And I was so happy I got to see people that I haven't seen in a LONG time. So it was great.
And here are the pictures I took with people.. :)

Me and Adam: I've known him since about.. 6th grade. and he's a really great guy!


Me and Kelli: Me and Kelli became friends a couple years ago. She was also one of Chelsey's best friends.


Me and Griffith: I've known Griffith since like.. I don't even know how long. Since North Bellingham. And he is always so kind.


Me and Christina: Long Story with Christina. I've known her since Kindergarten atleast. She is Chelsey's step sister. And we have been friends for a longgg time. She is great. She is always so kind and such a great and friendly person. Even with me not going to school and not seeing her a lot, she still talks to me. Thats a big deal! :)



Me with Kelli and Christina:


Me with Christina and Katelyn: Katelyn is Christina's little sister. I've known her since before she was born. She's so grown up now!


Me and Kelly!: Kelly is amazing. She is so strong and so awesome. She's almost like a second mom. She was Chelsey's mom. And after all that happend, she still invites me to stuff and keeps in touch. That really means a lot. We used to see their family EVERYDAY. It's like we were all siblings. But I love Kelly! She is so strong, kind and wonderful! :)


Me with Stephanie and baby Isabella: Stephanie is Kelli's mom. She is so kind! And Kelli is Isabella's mom. Isabella is 3 weeks old and super cute!


Me and Hannah: Hannah is so nice! I don't remember when we became friends but she is so down to earth and so awesome!


Me and Kayla!: She is beautiful, kind, and so strong. She is an inspiration! I'm so glad that I got to see her there!


Some other photos:













I wanted to put this picture up here because this is Wesley Craig. He was in my class in 2nd grade. But then he got hit by a tree. They said that he would never walk again or talk again. But with help, he walked up and accepted his diploma. :)

Graduation Pt 1.

This saturday is graduation. So officially it's tomorrow since it's 1am. And that is just crazy! It's so weird to see MY class graduating. But I am so proud that they have made it this far!
But I made this cake for them. I think I did pretty good for my first time with the cake decorating kit. I usually just do the gel and colored frosting and colored cake. The cake is blue and the frosting is yellow (Ferndale colors incase you don't know) and it turned out beautiful! :) But I did the fancy thing along the edges with the kit. It's a start! :)




YOU MADE IT! CONGRATULATIONS CLASS OF 2010!!!

BIPOLAR!!

I recently emailed someone who was interested in interviewing people who were bipolar. She just had like 5 or so questions about how one deals with having bipolar disorder. So I figured, why not? And she posted it on her blog!!. I feel like a celebrity! haha. But if you would like to read it.. this is the link-
http://bipolarjungle.blogspot.com/2010/06/bipolar-stories-part-1.html

:)

Free Stuff.

So as you know.. I love me some free stuff! :) And if you play this game on the Bic Soleil website you can win free things. You can play once a day everyday.I haven't won anything yet, but I have bad luck. So if you want to play- check it out! :)

Soleil 100 Days: "There are thousands of fun, sharable prizes in the BIC® Soleil® 100 Days of Sunshine promotion. Join now! www.FeelTheSoleil.com"

Also, check out ThriftyNorthWestMom.com << That website is great for deals and free stuff! On June 1st, I went to a Seattle Storm game with FREE TICKETS(which were actually pretty good seats too) and we stopped at Arby's to get a FREE roast beef sandwich on the way down. I found out about both of those and MANY MANY more from Thrifty NW MOM! She is also on facebook!! :)


Thanks for reading!! :)


<3 Shantel

Summer. :)

The sun is out which means it's almost summer!!!!!! I love summer. So many things to do, it's warm, and you can just go out and live life. Summer is always more exciting! But I got a bad sun burn on Saturday so that was bad. It's ok though.. And even though I'm not in school,I still love summer time. I can't even explain the feeling, you just know it's that time of year and it makes you so happy! :)

Also, today is the last day of school for Seniors. I can't believe it! Totally crazy! But Congrats Seniors!! You did it!!

And Graduation is on Saturday.. We will see how that goes!! :)

A day at the park..

Yesterday, we went to Hovander Park with Alice. She is a great dane. I took Popeye there to meet her but he wasn't interesting. He was too tiny for her to notice. So they didn't really play. But there was a great dane puppy there. And she was superrrr adorable. Her name was Lucy. Anyway, they were playing and they were so cute. So I took a picture. Lucy is the little puppy and she is still tiny. Alice is huge compared to her but Lucy will catch up eventually. :)

Class of 2010

Last Wednesday, I went to Senior Recognition Night at the high school. I haven't been to one since 3 years ago when my brother had to be there. It was mixed emotions that night. And tons of them! I was happy because all these people were graduating and they are starting a new chapter in their life. But on the other hand, this was supposed to be the year I graduate. And I'm not. Yes, I got my GED. But I wish I didn't have my stupid sleep disorder because maybe I could have been "normal" and stayed in high school. Everybody says that they hate high school but I wish I had the chance to hate it. Does that sound strange? But I never got to go to a school dance. And when senior prom was here, that was very depressing. I mean even if I was in school, I don't think I would have gone to a dance anyway. Who would ask me? I'm just the girl that sleeps all the time. But at Senior Night, I was happy for everybody and so proud that my class had did it! I was fine up until the slideshow.. then I started crying. Everybody had their senior pictures up there and I just was so mad that I didn't have the chance to have the high school experience. Plus- there was a picture with Chelsey like every other picture!! That just made it worse. And another reason I hated that night was because Chelsey's name should have been on right side with the name of the person getting the scholarship. But it sucks that she is on the "In Memory Of" side. I think about her a lot and it's very depressing because she didn't have the chance. If anybody deserved "normal", it's her.
So it was an interesting night to say the least. Lots of thoughts when through my mind and sometimes I wish that I can just stop them. But that's a downfall of bipolar, I can't. But my mom did get me a yearbook this year! That's good!

So as far as graduation, I really want to go. But I know that I will start bawling. It's alright though. I need to be there or I will hate myself forever. It's just been an interesting and very hard year.. Happy it's almost over. But at the same time... I want to go back in time!

Ski To Sea

Happy Memorial Day weekend! That also means ski to sea activities and LOTS of people. Today I took Cooper and Nolan to the parade. They are some kids that I babysit and they are super adorable! It was really rainy and cold outside but it was still fun! :) It's great to see it through the eyes of little kids. They see it so differently! But I had a great time. And tomorrow are all the booths in fairhaven. I'm excited to see what they have. :)

RELAY FOR LIFE!!!

THIS POST IS IMPORTANT SO IT IS ALL IN CAPS!!
I HAVE MADE A TEAM FOR LYNDEN RELAY FOR LIFE. IT IS JUNE 25-26. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY TEAM, GO TO THIS WEBSITE- http://main.acsevents.org/goto/GettinJiggyWPink
THAT IS MY TEAM PAGE. MY TEAM NAME IS "GETTIN JIGGY WITH PINK". IT IS IN MEMORY OF MY BEST FRIEND, CHELSEY EBERT. I HAVE BEEN ON OTHER TEAMS IN THE PAST, BUT THIS YEAR I DECIDED TO MAKE MY OWN. SO PLEASE JOIN MY TEAM OR HELP ME RAISE MONEY!! YOU CAN CHECK MY FACEBOOK PROFILE FOR THE LINK OR CLICK THE ONE ABOVE. IT IS TO RAISE $$ AND TO JOIN. PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT RAISING MONEY AND FINDING A CURE FOR CANCER!! AND I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE PEOPLE JOIN MY TEAM. IT GOES ALL NIGHT, AND WE NEED WALKERS FOR ALL HOURS OF THE EVENT! I WILL PROBABLY WALK LIKE MIDNIGHT-ISH. BUT IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO COME SEE ALL THE FESTIVITIES THERE WILL BE LOTS THERE!
IF YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN TO RELAY FOR LIFE THIS IS WHAT IT'S ABOUT:
IT IS HOSTED BY AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY. THEY RAISE MONEY FOR CANCER RESEARCH AND TO FIND A CURE! THERE ARE LOTS OF BOOTHS SELLING COOL STUFF. THERE ARE GIFT BAGS, BAKED GOODS, PIZZA, BRACELETS, AND OTHER CRAFTS. LAST YEAR, THERE WAS EVEN A GUY SELLING S'MORES FOR $1. ALSO THE LUMINARIAS ARE AMAZING! SO EMOTIONAL BUT AMAZING! SO COME JOIN MY TEAM AND WALK. OR HELP RAISE MONEY. OR JUST ENJOY THE EVENT. ALSO, EVERY 2 HOURS IS A DIFFERENT THEME FOR THE WALK. THEY HAVE HAD SCHOOL SPIRIT, CAMO, '80s, HOLLYWOOD.. ALL KINDS OF THEMES. ALL KINDS OF FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!!

THANK YOU ALL IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!!! :)

EVERYBODY IS AFFECTED BY CANCER. WHETHER YOU HAVE IT, YOUR FRIEND, FAMILY, OR A FRIEND OF A FRIEND. EVERYBODY DEALS WITH IT. SO LET'S HELP STOP IT!

The 3 letter word. J-O-B.

I might have a possible job. Not sure if I'm ready for one yet but we will see.
My mom set up an internship for someone at Record Journal and asked me if I wanted to do it. So I said yes. I would love to do stuff like that because I love to write! I'm starting next week with 2 days a week. Tues and Thurs. I gotta see if I like it and maybe work up to more days. Hope it doesn't bring my stress back but you never know. I'm a perfectionist and I don't wanna let people down. So together its pretty stressful. So hopefully it doesn't start up. But I'm excited! This could be a good thing for me.
Also, I was thinking about starting my own party planning business. I love to do that also and I'm good at it! But can't start that up now. And I would also love to do something in a bakery. That would be fun.
But this internship at Record Journal could turn into a job. Also, I'm professional which is a plus. And I love to write and design things.
2 favorite activities: Scrapbooking and Writing Stories.
Perfect! :)

Wish me luck! :)

I love my new friends! :)

Well this blog is about exactly what the title says. I do love my new friends. I'm starting my life over. And its weird to have people actually like me and support me. I'm not used to that. I'm used to everybody hating me even if it is in my mind. My mind is a powerful thing! But I have 2 new friends.

Elizabeth- She is awesome! We have so much in common and she understands things that other people don't. I really am grateful that she is my friend. I love her company and we have some good talks! :)

Emily- She is so kind and it's fun to try new adventures together! We have good talks as well. :)

Both of my new friends are wonderful people! They are beautiful inside and out. I hope they know that I really appreciate them! :)

<3

Check out these deals!

Well on facebook I found this blog called Thrifty Northwest Mom. It's this lady that tells you about all the deals going on around Washington. She lives in Tacoma and things work all the way down there and up here! Also, there are lots of freebies to sign up for online! And I LOVE free stuff! Also, I learned about some good deals on the magazine called "Family Fun". Me and my mom love that magazine! Lots of cute ideas! So I ordered a years subscription for like $8. It's pretty sweet to say the least. And I love free stuff and all kinds of deals!
So check out her blog, become a fan on facebook or subscribe by email. I did all 3! Can't miss any good deals! Also, Dairy Queen is having a deal that if you buy 1 blizzard, get 1 for like 25 or 50 cents. Its for their 25th anniversary I think. So probably 25 cents.. anyway.. her website is-

Www.ThriftyNorthWestMom.com

**I usually don't promote people but everybody loves deals! :) **

Haven't blogged for a while..

So I know that I haven't updated my blog lately...
It's not because I'm having so much fun, It's because I am sooo tired. But I found wifi and decided to upload all my "journal" entries. But I just wanted to say thank you to everybody who reads my blog!

Thank You Dad!
Thank You Elizabeth!
Thank you Sue!
And thanks to whoever my other follower is!!
I appreciate all of you! :)

Dear Miss Chelsey Rae..

I miss you. A LOT! I think about you all the time. It hurts me to know that I will never see my best friend again. Everybody always tells me that you’re in a better place and that you’re pain free. My argument is that it never had to happen to you. Any of it! You didn’t need to go through 2 open heart surgeries. And you most definitely did not need to go through cancer and chemo. You were such an amazing person and everybody saw that! Your smile was contagious. Your spirit was so bright! Why did any of this have to happen to you? You didn’t deserve any of it. I often think about you and cry because I miss you so much! And sometimes I think about you and start laughing. Thinking about how clutzy you were. You could be walking and trip over nothing. :) You were such an awesome person and I can’t help but think about my best friend. When I was laying in bed one day, I saw a picture of us when we were little. I thought to myself, “Wow, I haven’t seen Chelsey in a while. We should get together with all of our old friends sometime!” And then I realized that it was true, I haven’t seen you in a while. Because you’re dead. And I will never get to go out to lunch with you, hang out and watch movies with you or even go to a Spark’s game with you.. ever again. I cry every time I think about it because you didn’t deserve to have any pain. Or go through what you did. You deserve to be the happy girl who is always smiling and playing sports! Everybody tells me that you are with God thinking that will help me. But I don’t believe in God. I do believe in heaven though. And I know you are up there with Grandma Ebert playing basketball together! I hope you are happy up there. And I hope that you watch over all of us. When we were little and hung out all the time, I never would have thought that you wouldn’t be here to celebrate you’re 18th birthday or even your 16th. And who would have thought that Christina would be the only one to go to Senior Prom? We always knew that it would be all 3 of us in our fancy dresses and our big limo. But atleast you got to go once and had a great time! But I just want you to know that I miss you Stebert. Each and every day I think about you and how much you have impacted all of these people with just your smile, your spirit, and your sweet soul. Also, I have been a lot more of a clutz the last couple years. And I have been starting to like pink again after so long. I used to hate pink but if you could see how much pink is in my room, you would be so happy. I think you had a little something to do with that.. anyway.. Thanks for being my best friend. And thanks for being you. I miss you Chels!! <3 <3

As we ride along this road..

It’s been an interesting trip this far to say the least. We’ve had our ups and downs. My grandma has been annoying me sooo much. I knew that this trip would be bad but I never thought we would learn so much about each other(not in a good way).But one good thing is that I never knew that my grandpa had such a great sense of humor! He doesn’t talk that often because he can’t hear very well. So he doesn’t join in on the conversation all the time. But when you have been married to my grandma for 60 years, I would have selective hearing too! So my grandpa is a great guy! I need to hang out with him more often! Plus, he is an AMAZING artist. I will have to upload a picture of them one day.

Also some great things that have happend:
1. I GOT TO SEE CHELSEY'S STONE AT DOWNTOWN DISNEY!!! :) That was amazing to see her name there. I think about her all the time and that was great to have her help me through that! If you don't know.. I'm deathly afraid of characters like the ones at Disney Land so I have never been and never will go. But she helped me face part of my fear to make it and see her. I miss her a lot and think about her every single day. I wrote a letter to her the other day, I'll upload it in a little bit.





2. I GOT TO MEET MY ADORABLE COUSIN JACKSON KENDRICK!! I've seen pictures of him and he is adorable. But when you meet him in person, it is sooo much better! I'm so glad that I got to cuddle with him! I love him already. He is such a sweet boy. I love love love love LOVE baby Jackson! <3 Thank you Uncle Justin and Brooke for letting me see him! Love you all! :)



Sweet Boy! <3

My grandma is a racist!

My grandma, what to say about her…? Well, she is VERY racist. I cannot believe how bad it is! I’m not racist, I just hate jerks. But wow.. Is she ever!! Popeye went over to see some dogs at one of the campsites we were at. And she can’t see very well so I told her that he ran away to go see those dogs. She’s like.. Oh I love those little dogs, I’ll have to go see them later. And I said.. Well, they’re Mexican. I said that jokingly because she has said outrageous things in the past and I just wanted to see if she would say anything. And she did. She came back with, “Oh I didn’t know those people could have a motor home like that.” It was a big motor home so pretty much she was saying, I can’t believe Mexicans can afford a motor home like that. They probably stole it. I was shocked!!! I couldn’t believe that she would say anything like that and not have any problem with it!!! Then I said, Wow grandma, you’re really racist. Mexicans can be rich and famous and have normal jobs and afford motor homes.. And she’s like, well that’s the way I grew up. Only white people were good and black and Mexicans were not allowed to do anything. I just wanted to smack her and say, well the times are different so change your freaking mind old lady! You need to accept them. They are people too! They are just like us. So get over yourself.
Oh and she doesn’t like that I speak my mind and tell her the truth. But whatever. And I was just discussing with her that she always says it loud enough so that people can hear her. And one day, someone will come up and punch her. So I told her she better fix what she says or else I will let someone do that. She's like, well it's my trouble not yours. So I said, "Ok.. well I'll just back away then if anybody is gonna beat you up." She said ok. Also, She was eating her mixed nuts and called one of them "The N word" toes. But she actually said the word. I was like... WAIT! What did you say??!! and she's like, that's how I grew up and I don't have a problem with that!
It just amazes me how ignorant she is. The world is changing. She needs to change her perspective!

The infamous glass.

"People always ask if you are glass half full or glass half empty. But can’t it just be a cup of water?" People always over analyze things. I don’t think I’m glass half full or empty.. So I decided to just add this- It’s just a cup of water!!

I'm gonna copywrite that and everything because I made it up so hopefully no business people will see it and steal it!

Pullman or Bust!

Well we are almost to Pullman. I slept in til about.. noon. Then I packed my stuff for the weekend. Took a shower. Got my eyebrows done. And we left! :) We also took an hour detour in Cle Elum to eat lunch. We stopped at this teriyaki place that I LOVE! We stop there everytime we are in Cle Elum or pass it. We also stopped by Safeway because I had to look for something. When I was there... last summer or the summer before, I was wasting time and wandering around Safeway for like 2 hours. My dad was on a bike ride so I had to entertain myself. Anyway, back to my story.. while I was at Safeway, I found some Rice Pudding Popsicles! They sounded so weird but so delicious!! :) I didn't get them back then because it was hot and I didn't wanna eat 6 popsicles by myself before they melted.. But I went back today to look for them and they didn't have them. :( I was sad because I REALLY wanted to try them! But we will have to check in the mexi town of Royal City on our way home. The whole 3 store city.. but I love to go to that gas station and get raspberry lemonade! :) I also like to stop in Colfax and get Coug Talking Rain water!! Anyway.. back to right now..
We are driving and driving and driving. Plus listening to P!nk! :) But we will be there soon and start Mom's Weekend! This weekend should be fun! Kind of stressed about getting back Sunday and leaving Monday for Cali. But we will see how it all goes.. just gonna enjoy the weekend and visit with all the moms! Yay for WSU Mom's Weekend! :)

**I'll update later and add pictures once I'm at my brother's house! :) **

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my mommy's bday!! So I would just like to say: Mom, thanks for being my best friend. Thanks for being the best mom ever. Thanks for being awesome! You are always there for me. Me and you can conquer anything together! This is a new beginning for us! We can do anything so let's start this new life! Even if we do argue sometimes, we always love eachother! No matter what, I love you so much! You know that! Thanks for being my mom! I wouldn't choose anybody else!! :) 

I love you soo much! <3

And now: Psychiatrists...

They have not helped me at all. There's 2 doctors. I'm not naming names so we'll call them D1 and D2.. D1 is the main person who deals with prescriptions. D2 is one of the people below him who I unfortunately have to deal with. I've been seeing them both for about....5 years? D1 I only see about twice a year. D2 makes me see him like every 3 weeks...ugh! He sucks at his job! All he says is.. you need to put more effort into it and you need to be more willing to try new medications and stuff. OMG! I am SO tired of hearing that! I always try all the freakin crap you want me to. Even though I say that I hate it, I still continue it! So he needs to find something else dumb to say. That's such a generic thing to say. You can say that to anybody and some dumb people will be like.. "oh ya. You're right. I'm gonna try that! You're the best doctor ever!" I don't buy into that crap. I realize that my sleep disorder is really rare and you don't know what to do for that.. but have you even done 10 minutes of research on it? I highly doubt it. All you care about is the freakin paycheck. And today with all that crap about "oh ya I totally understand. I can see how hard that is for you". Don't give me that fake sympathy. You just say what you think D1 wants to hear. I don't buy it. So give up the good doctor act! You suck at your job! Find a new one! First of all, you're a psychiatrist! Isn't it your job to listen? You might listen but you don't hear what I'm saying! You just hear what you want to hear and roll with that.. I kept telling you from freakin day one not to focus on waking me up. I wanted 1 anti depressant. That's it. If I wake up at 11 and start my day, I'm fine with that. I just want to have some energy to get off the couch and maybe actually leave the house more than twice a week! And whenever I say a whole bunch of stuff, you focus on one stupid thing. I tried the whole sun coming in the window thing for 2 weeks! It didn't work! That's what I'm telling you so don't tell me to try it! Freakin A! I'm just sick and tired of you pretending to be a good doctor. You suck! I don't wanna be your patient anymore. Even just thinking about talking to you makes me so angry. I just want to punch somebody! So I'm gonna find a new doctor that doesn't make things worse!! And if you see me in the building, don't talk to me. I don't want to talk to you! That's the whole point of leaving your office! So don't say "hi shantel, hope everything is going great for you." Because I might throw a magazine at you. You said yourself that you don't know what to do to help me.. So I'm gonna find someone who actually cares about helping me. And not someone who just sits there and tells me one of three things.
1. You need to put more effort into your activites.
2. You need to be more willing to try new medications.
3. I just don't know what to tell you.
You are a waste of my precious time and money. Most of the time I'm so mad at you that all I do is sit there. I'm glad you're alright with it because you're getting paid to sit there and pretend to care. You are useless! And now after 2 1/2 months of all these stupid pills to wake me up that don't work, you're finally hearing what I'm saying? Well praise the freakin lord. You actually became decent doctors.. 

Screwed Over. Part Two.

This one probably won't be as long but we'll see..
Well my mom has had this best friend since like middle school. So she was always there to celebrate our birthday and stuff with us. Plus- we saw her probably every day. Ya.. she was that involved in our lives. But at the beginning of '08 when I needed people the MOST... she stopped talking to us. She had dropped us just like that. Without warning or anything.. so we have tried to keep in touch with cards, letters, texts, etc.. but maybe 3 replies a year. Well it hit the point of reality when she forgot my bday last year. Not just any birthday but my 18th bday!! And then she called my brother on his. My brothers bday is 9 days after mine. So you would think after celebrating our bdays with us for however long, that would register that you forgot my bday. So as a caption on a picture on myspace (she was my friend on there) I wrote, "You know its funny how some people are like your family, and then they ditch you and forget your bday and then call your brother on his." She read that and commented, "That's pretty harsh. But I deserve it. I'm so sorry. Happy belated." With me you can't just say sorry and have it all fixed! I hold a grudge! But then I saw her about a month ago. Me and my mom went to visit a friend at her salon. This said person was tanning at the time we showed up. As she was leaving, she said Hi to me like you would say to some random freakin person on the street! Even if you don't wanna talk to my mom.. atleast ask me how I'm doing. Even if you don't care, that's the freakin nice thing to do! So I guess we've been replaced. Let's just mention the fact that she was the person that we went to hawaii with. But when all she said was hi to me.. I was done. You don't screw me over and get away with it!  So a few last words to you:
Thanks for introducing me to Kauai. But to just replace us like that, its not cool! Especially when I needed my friends and family most! I would say thanks for all the adventures.. but I don't care. And someone had told me that when you found out you missed my bday, you cried. Boo freakin Hoo! Try being me with no friends and thinking nobody cares and you forget my bday. So screw you! I hope your new freakin life sucks and I hope there's another Tsunami when you go to Hawaii this month! Thanks for pretending you care and taking it away from me. Don't try contacting me AT ALL! I'm done with you. You're not a part of my life anymore!!!.

These might sound harsh.. but you would have to know the entire story to understand.

Screwed over.. Part One.

Well.. I've been screwed over plenty in my life. 3 certain people come to mind. Numero Uno- We don't even speak her name anymore. Just hearing her name makes me want to vomit because she is such a horrible person. Here's the story: she had moved back up here from LV and she invited herself to stay in the extra room in my apartment. I didn't want her there in the first place. But she was my moms friend so whatever.. Anyway, I set up a few ground rules. The most important was- She couldn't have her 6 kids live on my living room floor!! Well, I came home one night at like 11-ish and she was mad that I didn't call her and tell her I was coming home late. She was waiting up to tell me that I should have called her. I told her earlier that day that her 2 girls couldn't spend the night because I might have Carter. She said, "Well can my girls come over and we can all watch movies and bake cookies and stuff." That was a load of crap because she just wanted them to spend the night regardless of what I thought. So as she waited up for me to come home, I guess she had thought that she turned into my mother. She is wrong. She started yelling at me because I didn't come home with Carter and I said that ya... my cousin decided just to keep him home that night. She replied with, "So my girls COULD have spent the night. But you didn't call and tell me? You could have called after your cousin called you and told me. Then they could have come over after that!!" Well first of all, let me mention again that its MY apartment. And second, her daughters are druggy whores. So I didn't want them at my apartment!! Anyway.. a couple nights later, I showed up and DID have Carter. He was probably 2 years old around this time. He was asleep by the time we got back to the apt so I was carrying him in. I also had my cousin Tory with me. When I walked in, 5 of her 6 kids were sprawled across my living room. They were watching a movie and I had asked them if they could sit on the floor because Carter slept on the couch. They said "well I'm sitting here right now.. so put him on the floor." Well let me just add again that I have a 2 year old asleep in my arms and I'm trying to lay him down. I went in and layed Carter on my bed. I asked them why they were all there and they said they were babysitting. One of her kids was like 5 or whatever but still, he didn't need 5 people babysitting him. So pick another lame excuse. Then again I asked them to sit on the floor. They didn't cooperate. So that's when I called my wonderful mom. She gets things done! :) So I called my mom and filled her in on what was going on. Then she wanted to talk to the oldest kid. I handed him the phone and said "here, my mom wants to talk to you." If you would have seen his face, you would enjoy this part as much as I do. :) he looked like right there he had just crapped his pants. It was HILARIOUS!!!! He is afraid of my mom! So he can act all "tough guy" when he's talkin to me but gets a little scared when it comes to my mom! Haha! Anyway.. She told him to straighten up and sit on the floor. And he came back with, "Well we told her that we just wanted to finish the movie which is another 10 minutes then everybody else was gonna leave and I'm just gonna wait with my little brother til my mom comes home." That's total BS!! But he's afraid of my mom. I know how to deal with certain people! :) Anyway.. my mom finally told him to quit being a selfish jerk and let me put Carter on the couch. What a great mom I have! :)
So finally the mom came home. She was drunk. I was sitting in my room talking to my cousin and she was yelling at my door "Shantel.....Shantel.....Shantel come here!" Finally I walked out and said "Yes?" She started yelling at me (YES IN MY OWN FREAKIN HOUSE)!!
The conversation went a little bit like this:

"why do you get to have someone spend the night and my kids don't get to spend the night?"
"Well you have 6 kids and you wanted all of them to freakin live here! This is an apartment! And my cousin is just spending the night tonight to help me with Carter."
"Well that's a stupid rule. Why do you have to be a biatch about it?"
"Excuse me? This is my apartment! Who do you think you are?!"
"Well I pay half the rent here too! So you can't play that card Shantel!" (She was supposed to pay us half the rent but we still haven't seen it and that was back in Oct '08) (I should have replied with: oh ya.. did that get lost in the freakin mail? Haha! I'm so mean!)
"Whatever.. I'm not even gonna fight with you about this!"
Then I walked into my room. Called my mom and told her that this lady is a biatch!  Then she called my name again in her awful voice.. I walked out and said:
"What?!"
"Did you eat 1 of my top ramen?"
"No, maybe it was one of your 5 freakin kids that you had covering my living room!"
"Well they just wanted to visit me. They never get to see me because you never let them over here!"
"Well you weren't even here, you were at the bar. And I never said your stupid kids couldn't come over and visit. I said that they can't live here!!" (They must of caught the stupid from her! Haha!!)
"Well how would you like it if someone told you that you couldn't see your mom? That's what you're doing to me! You're not letting me see my kids!"
"I NEVER SAID THAT YOU COULDN'T SEE YOUR FREAKIN KIDS. YOU CAN GO SEE YOUR KIDS AT THEIR HOUSE OR GO MEET THEM AT A FREAKIN PARK OR SOMETHING!! I never once said that you couldn't see your kids so get over it!"
"Well you're just being so mean to me! What do you want? Do you want me to move out?"
"YES!!!!" Then I walked into my room.
Let's just add a few more details to this story so you get the whole picture.
1.When I was at work one day.. she packed up all of her crap. I came home and there was only 1 box left on the counter. It contained a set of OUR sheets. I was in my room. She grabbed the box off the counter and left. I opened the front door and she was outside. She looked at me and said, "bye!" And I slammed the door! We never saw the money or our key again. So we started locking the other lock! Who knows what else of ours she stole when she was packing up!!
2. A year earlier at my brother's graduation, she had the nerve to say, "I wish that you would have turned out better like my kids." Let's see.. you mean your kids that have babies while on heroin, continue to smoke heroin, do cocaine, get pregnant at 15, sleep around, get drunk and take drugs they don't even know what kind, try to smuggle drugs in their crotch to canada, and call the cops on your husband? Oh ya those kids.. ya they are such winners! I wish I could be just like them! Haha. Are you freakin serious?
3. About 6 months after she yelled at me in my own freakin house.. She talked to my mom and asked her when I was gonna stop hating her. Are you serious? After you called me a biatch in my own house after I let you live there rent free? Well, I've come to this conclusion and wanted to add this to her:
I don't hate you. I would have to care to hate you. I just pity you. You think that your life is great but you should all be in jail or just let your druggy kids overdose already! So get over yourself because you are nothing! You are trash and you use everybody! I hope one day you actually become a descent human being that is actually worthy of being alive. So good luck with your stupid screwed up kids and your awful husband who thinks he's a good singer. Most people just wanna punch him in the face!!. But the bottom line is: Do not contact me. Do not say my name. Don't even think my name! EVER!!! Thinking of you makes me want to vomit!! You know who you are biatch! :)

This turned out longer than I had thought. But I thought that if I get this story out (still not naming names) then maybe people will read it and never talk to her again!! :)

Well, we'll see..

So my mom informed me today that I have childhood bipolar. So I guess everybody isn't bipolar their whole lives. I'm just one of the lucky few.. of course. Anyway.. We are on our way to go have a big meeting with my psychiatrists and see if they are gonna continue my pills and everything. I doubt this is gonna go my way but we will see! My psychiatrists never listen to what I have to say. So why should I listen to them right? But they are probably gonna tell me that I need to stay on all of these pills that don't work. The main thing I'm trying to get across to them is that they need to stop focusing on waking me up! I take the provigil and the ritalin to wake me up but I can still sleep until 2 and I can still take naps during the day. They gave me the ritalin to take at 7 when I take my provigil because apparently its supposed to wake me up.. but my mom said its also supposed to be an anti depressant or whatever. I think she's just makin that up so I'll take it because ritalin is for people ADHD to calm them down if I read that right. But I might just end up walking out of the office yelling at them all. We're on our way up so wish me luck!

Stupid people explaining Bipolar.

So I'm reading this thing on a DVD my dad ordered offline. It's called "Bipolar Supporter Success DVD". "The Ultimate Bipolar Supporter Success Pack". It's a DVD that you read on the computer. It's written by David Oliver. His website is (www.bipolarcentral.com). As I'm reading this, I've noticed that he either didn't phrase some things right or he's just stupid.  At first he says, "My mother has been suffering from bipolar disorder for much of her life." And then in the next paragraph he says, "As I stated earlier, my mother has had bipolar disorder for most of her life."  You can't just all of a sudden get bipolar one day!!. I understand how he explains it the first time how she has "suffered" from it for most of her life.  But really guy? She's had bipolar for "most" of her life? You can be diagnosed after a while and then finally have a name for it. And the extreme-ness of it can get worse as it goes on,  but you can't just be normal until age 12 or whatever and then go to the doctor and then start being bipolar. I know a lot of people that were diagnosed in their teen years or 20s. But they have been bipolar their whole life. The intensity of it can get worse so they just finally have a name for it! So he totally phrased that wrong!.
Another thing he says is, "As I talked to more and more people who had bipolar disorder or who  were supporting someone who did, I learned about other information needed both by survivors of bipolar disorder and their supporters." He talks about surviving bipolar like it's a bear attack and you lived through it. You can't just drink a magic potion and all of a sudden the bipolar is gone. Yes, you can find the right medications and have bipolar somewhat under control, but you can't survive bipolar. Even if you do find the right medication, it could take years and years to find the right 1 or the right 12. I was diagnosed bipolar about age 8 or 10 but my mom has known my whole life and didn't wanna get me misdiagnosed. But I mean, I still don't have the right mix of medications to fix me. So it's been like 10 years and I still don't have the right pills. Yes, I do have a sleep disorder along with that but still... So my point is that this guy needs to watch how he phrases things or he needs to do some more research!.

He adds this paragraph which I think is somewhat true:  *A bipolar supporter once said, "Bipolar is not contagious. But it does affect everyone who surrounds the person, everyone who comes in contact with them." No you can't "catch" bipolar disorder like the common cold, but if you are not careful, the disorder can take over your life and become the center of your attention.*
What is in quotes is what someone else said and everything else, he said. I agree that it can consume your life. You do have to do lots of research and have the support of your family and friends. But it can also become the center of your attention which is good sometimes! Sometimes you just need to focus on your bipolar and figure out what to do and how to help yourself! So I'm only on page 8 of apparently 33. But that's what I have so far. I don't know if I'm mad at him for this because I'm bipolar and know how it is to be me, or if its because I actually know how to write and notice things like that, or if its because I hate people. Maybe all of the above.

Also, I just wanted to add this.. I went over to see my grandpa the other day and he was watching Fox News or something. As I was walking in, I read across the bottom of the TV "So and so was bipolar and was off of her medication at the time of the robbery." She didn't rob the place just because she was bipolar!! Maybe she was manic and had the inspiration to do it. But you know how many robberies go on every single day across the country? Lots. So it was NOT neccessary to mention that she was bipolar. Probably 99.8% of people who rob places aren't bipolar. So I was like wow.. they just had to add that she was bipolar. That's how they want the public to perceive bipolar people. They are putting us out there like we are all Crazy all the time! We are not. So we need to stop the media from portraying us like that! Plus- I'm still mad at Nickelodeon for using the word Bipolar inappropriately!!
I should be a public speaker! I think I'd be good at that! :)

Random.

This was not at the tulip festival but it was at Olive Garden when we stopped for lunch. I thought it was a good picture so here you go..

Also..

On Friday we are going to see my brother for Mother's weekend over in Pullman. I'm excited to go because it should be fun! Then we get back on Sunday and I leave Monday for Cali. So it will be busy. But I'm excited to see my brother again! If you don't know my brother.. this is him! :)

Haha! I love this picture! Love ya bro. :)

The start of April.

Well, on April 2nd.. I had my mom's bday party. It turned out great! We had so much fun with everybody that came! And I love planning parties so that worked out well too! :) Thank you to everybody that came! And thank you to the Kranz family for letting us use your barn! :)

Yesterday, I went down to Mt. Vernon with my mom, her mom, and her step dad. I don't call her my grandma. I call her my mom's mom. Anyway.. We went down to the tulip festival and I took TONS of pictures! Atleast 100. My mom doesn't like to take pictures as much as I do.. But I love to take pictures of myself! So I was taking pictures of myself, and pictures of my mom. And we got some together! We will have to frame those! Family pictures are great! :)

Today is Easter Sunday.. So happy easter! My mom went to church and then went to dinner at her boyfriend's house. I decided to stay home and sleep! One thing about me is that I can't do something EVERY day. So after doing many things within the last couple days, I was ready for a day of nothing! :) I slept in until 2 pm which was AWESOME!! I needed some sleep! So then my mom gave me my Easter basket and we hung out for a little bit. We stopped and shopped yesterday on our way home. My mom got me some cute pink walking shoes. My mom is so wonderful! But it's weird because I'm branching out from converse, but they're Cute!! And I got my mom some clothes at Old Navy. That was our Easter present to eachother because we like to get stuff for eachother besides candy.. But it turned out well! :)

Happy Easter everybody!! :)

Goodbye March.

Well well well.. today is march 31st. Time is just flying by! But today I got done house sitting. I'm gonna miss the animals! This is Kylie, Ruby, and Power Ranger snuggling!

Ruby is such a cute dog! She has the energy of a puppy and she is so much fun to play with!

Kylie is great too! I love how chill she is! We have the same amount of energy. :) She just lays around.. just like me! And of course she gets extra points because she is a rhodesian ridgeback. Those dogs are awesome! This is Kylie and Power Ranger playing:

And how could I forget little Power Ranger? He is such an adorable kitty! He looks a lot like my old cat. And we cuddle on the couch. He's so soft and comfy! I love snuggling with him! :)
What a cute kitty!:

But tonight I'm back home. Doing pretty much the same thing except no cuddling with Power Ranger. :( I just have to be ready for the busy busy days ahead.
Speaking of that.. I think I am off to bed now. Hopefully I can sleep my full 12 hours. My pills don't work to wake me up, so it would be great to sleep in til about noon! :)
G'night.

<3>

Hi. :)

I always seem to write more than I intended.. but I always think of more things to say. So I decided to keep this one short.

Thanks for taking the time to read this! :)

<3 Shantel

The End.

Hello Again..

Well, there is one new thing in my life the last 2 days. And that is.... DUCT TAPE!! :) I have recently learned how to make duct tape wallets and duct tape roses. They are not just the plain ol' gray. They are colorful! I went and got neon orange, neon green, neon pink, teal, yellow, crimson, and red! I have made 2 wallets so far and they have turned out great! I made 1 for my dad and 1 for my mom.



I have also made about 6-7 roses for my mom for her bday.. Shhh!! I'll give them to her on Friday before her bday party and I'm sure she will love them! :)



I really love to write books and scrapbook. I would love to do that ALL the time but I don't have energy ALL the time. I really have like 10% energy everyday. And it sucks... a lot. But I love making things out of duct tape because I can just sit there and do that. It doesn't require a lot of work.. which is what works for me! :) So I really like doing it! It keeps my hands busy but doesn't require a ton of energy.
Also- Me and my mom have to meet with my 2 psychiatrists on Monday to talk about what medications are working, and what aren't. Here's a hint: NONE ARE WORKING!! But they don't really care. So maybe I will get through to them this time. Or I might have to write another letter explaining why he is wrong and he needs to be a better doctor. I just was expressing my opinion and he said that he had never had a hate note before. Trust me.. that's not a hate note. Because I am excellent at writing those! :) But he is just making up all kinds of crap to try and explain what's going on with me. He says I might have some kind of Fatigue disorder or something. He's like oh.. she's tired all the time and has no energy, maybe she has this.. But you would have thought that he would have figured that out....oh maybe 5 years ago!!!!

Anyway.. We'll see how that goes. But I do have a new love for colorful Duct Tape which is AWESOME!!

And also, I should just add.. I kind of love this guy. I have for a while. He is SUPER nice and he was always awesome! He might not have understood what I was going through, but he always helped me through it. He made me laugh when I just wanted to punch people in the face! And he talked to me even I was sleeping a lot in middle school. He is just an awesome guy. But I haven't talked to him in a while. It's kind of hard to say.. Hey. Umm.. wanna hang out? By the way.. I kind of love you.. But I've been thinking about him a lot lately. And I really don't know how to ask him to even hang out. I kind of feel like everybody I used to know, hates me and I don't know how to approach anyone anymore, let alone him. But I just wanted to add that. He makes me smile just thinking about him! :)
And by the way.. its not Brent. He left me to go to Spain. Haha. I've never even talked to Brent because I get choked up every time I see him so I can't even talk. But I love him too because he is so hot!! and he's so nice and has a great family. He's perfect. :)
Anyway... It's not Brent. But I can't say who it is. One hint: I've known him since... 6th grade? that might give it away if he reads this.. Oh well. I dont' really care anymore. What's to lose right? I just can't say it to his face.. haha. I doubt that he reads this, and I doubt that anybody actually reads this besides my dad and my new awesome friend Elizabeth.
So Thanks Dad!! And Thanks Elizabeth!! :)

Elizabeth is my cool new friend who actually understands what I'm going through! I'm so happy to have her as a friend because she rocks!!

And also, I just wanted to thank the people I babysit for. You always talk to me and ask me how things are going when I see you. And you probably just think that you're talking to another person. But you don't know how much it means to me for someone to actually be nice to me!!! It makes me so happy because you guys are always so nice and such wonderful people! I really love your kids, they are awesome! And you guys are awesome too! I really don't know how to explain it to people, so I thought I would just express it here. I really appreciate you guys sooo much!!!! You guys are like my friends and you gave me hope for people! I had given up on people because they suck and they are jerks but you guys have given me a glimmer of hope. You are so kind and I really appreciate you guys! You brighten my day!! So thank you Jodi, Julia, and Denise!!! :)


So... that's the end for today. And tomorrow ends the month. I might not update as much because April is soooo busy for me. But I will try to update a lot! And when I'm in california (april 12-21)... I might post some weird blogs where I'll say that I hate my grandparents, the heat, my dad, and my dog.. etc. But just ignore those ones! haha. :)

The incorrect use of the word bipolar.

So today I was watching this new show that premiered on Nickelodeon. Yes, I'm 18 and still watch Nickelodeon. Anyway.. The name of the show is "Victorious" starring Victoria Justice. I was watching it and it seemed like pretty much any other Nickelodeon show, UNTIL.. she used the word bipolar when not referring to someone who IS actually bipolar. So I wrote on the message boards for the show and after I clicked 'Post', it said that the people would have to give it a "thumbs up" before posting it. I'm not sure if they will because they might think it's inappropriate but I think it's perfectly fine to write that if they are gonna use it. The exact line on the show was, "Oh ya, like regular schools have improv classes with barefoot teachers and nerds with puppets and Bipolar Cats and mean girls who make you bark like a dog?". By the way, one of the girls' names is Cat. And just because she's different does not mean that she is bipolar. She had not said that she was bipolar, and she did not act bipolar. When the main character Tori was asking her a question, she has said, "Well my name is Cat" and Tori responded with "oh like the animal?". Then Cat was acting as if she thought people would judge her or whatever and responded something like "Why? Do you think that's weird?" And she looked really worried as to what people thought. So the show must of figured, oh let's just add the word bipolar when we talk about her later because she's different. And I'm surprised that Nickelodeon would allow that! People just throw around the word now like, "Oh, you're so bipolar." and it's like saying, "Oh, that retarted." I highly doubt that Nickelodeon would EVER allow a show to use the word retard. But people don't care about the word bipolar. They think it's fine. Well, I AM bipolar and I think that it's offensive for them to just use it like that. Because people who say that, dont' know what it's about. I have to live with it everyday for the rest of my life. So if you don't know what it is, don't use the word!! Simple as that!
So if anybody knows a way to contact Nickelodeon, let me know!!.
I would gladly write them an email discussing my anger. And maybe I'll get a retraction or an email saying sorry. I just think that it's really surprising to see this in a kid show and have them see nothing wrong with it. Have people really gotten that stupid and selfish that they think it's ok to use it like that in real life and write it into a TV show?
And if they do post my message, I will copy and paste it in the comments. I forgot to copy and paste before, and I can't find it, or remember what I wrote... so hopefully they put it up. :)

Medication

Over the years, I have tried tons and tons of prescriptions. I've had some that were supposed to wake me up, some to control my moods, and some anti depressants.
Currently I am taking 7 pills a day and don't think that they are working at all. My psychiatrist tells me it takes time and blah blah blah. If I haven't noticed a slight difference by now, i doubt that they are going to work. I've been on some of them for about a month and a half to two months. What I'm currently taking: 7 am- Take 2 Provigil (100 mg each) and 1 Ritalin (50 mg). When I wake up I take 1 Sertraline (50 mg) At 2pm I take another Provigil (100 mg) and at 8:30pm I take 2 Seroquel (150 mg total). Provigil and the Ritalin are supposed to wake me up. I always go back to sleep after I take them and wake up about noon. Somedays I will sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. My take is that if I take the same medication, same dosage at the same time everyday. Shouldn't I wake up at the same time everyday? I mean that's what it's for. But its not working. The Sertraline is an anti- depressant. I've been on this for atleast 2 months and they haven't changed the dosage. It wasn't working even slightly the first month but when I told them that, they just added more pills. Wouldn't you think that if a medication isn't working, you would up the dosage to see if that helps, or switch to something else? Well not my psychiatrist. He sucks at his job. He doesn't listen to a word I say and he doesn't really care. After I take the Provigil at 2pm I shouldn't be able to take a nap. But some days I do. And remember.. the Provigil is supposed to wake me up and keep me awake. Finally the Seroquel. They gave me that because it is supposed to be a "miracle drug". It's supposed to help my depression, and bipolar. I take it at night because it's extended release so it's supposed to work the next day. I haven't noticed a difference with that except that about 2 hours after I take it, I get really dizzy!! I'm not just talking a little dizzy where I need to sit down. I get so dizzy that I need to like hold on to the wall and then I black out for a few seconds and get a really loud ringing in my ear so I can't hear anything. I used to take that at 6pm and it was only 100 mg. But when I told them about it, they told me to take it at 8 pm and then they bumped up the dose. And they said that I should be sitting in bed about 2 hours after I take it so I don't feel the dizziness. I'm so glad that they don't care that I have things to do after 10 pm somedays and they just decided to make it worse. My psychiatrist should really get another job because he sucks at what he does. And as my final proof for the day: Yesterday I actually went out of the house and socialized with people. It was at night and I had lots of fun!! But today, all I want to do is lay on the couch and take a nap because I'm SO tired. It's not because I was out at night because I got back here by like 10:45 and I normally don't go to bed til around 11:30 ish. But it's because it took a lot of energy for me to actually go out and do something. With all the pills that I'm on, I should be living a normal life and go do things everyday. But the anti depressants and everything are not working if I have to lay around all day catching up on my energy. I've also told my psychiatrist this but he doesn't seem to think this is a problem. He needs to try being me for a day! It's not as easy at it looks!

So my final statement for the day is that my medications are not working and my psychiatrist sucks because he isn't doing anything to help change that.

The Beginning..

Well.. I decided to start a blog to vent my feelings, explain myself and also just write about random things. First things first.. I am bipolar. Depressed. And have a sleep disorder. That is mostly what I will write about is dealing with all of that and trying to be "normal".
A little history on the issues..
I was diagnosed Bipolar when I was about 10 years old. My mom has known that I have had it my whole life. She just didn't want to take me in and have me misdiagnosed as ADD, ADHD, Depressed, etc.. So she waited until I was old enough and then we found out. When I was younger.. I used to have really bad fits of anger as my "manic" of bipolar. I would get so angry that I would black out from me and then rip pictures off the wall and throw everything around. Once I returned to myself, I wouldn't know what had happend but everybody would be mad at me. Before we knew that I was bipolar, we would just call that "the other shantel". And they had thought that maybe it was multiple personalities. In my opinion, that would have been more fun! :) But the fact of the matter is.. I'm bipolar. I'm not gonna deny it because that's who I am and it's not my fault. So I just roll with it. And also, when we went to go get tested for me being bipolar, we found out that my mom is Manic Bipolar. So we are opposite.. kinda. Bipolar is when you have extreme mood changes and can go from super hyper to super depressed. She is mostly manic and has TONS of energy and can run on little sleep. Where as I am mostly depressive and don't have a lot of energy and I need LOTS of sleep. This also ties into my sleep disorder. But that just means that when I just wake up, she knows now that she shouldn't strike a full conversation with me and talk really fast when I'm not even fully awake. So we have it figured out now..
I have a very rare sleep disorder called "Klein Levin Syndrome". I started sleeping a lot in 3rd grade where I could sleep for like a week at a time and just wake up for like a half hour everyday and try to fit everything in like shower, food, pills, family time.. We really didn't know what it was so we went down to Children's Hospital in Bellevue and had a sleep study done. Pretty much after that, they told me that I didn't have sleep apnea. Duh! But luckily, after we told the nurse all the problems that I had, she told us that she did a paper in college on something called "Klein Levin Syndrome" and that sounded a lot like what was going on with me. So throughout the night, she printed off about 200 pages on it off of the internet. My mom read that within the next week and said," OMG Shantel!! This is YOU!" And we took it to our doctor and he diagnosed me. I just want to give a big thank you to the nurse at Bellevue Children's Hospital for actually knowing about it and giving us an answer!! When I was diagnosed however many years ago, there were only 500 people in the WORLD who had it. They recently featured a video on MSNBC that was about a girl with the same sleep disorder. I was so happy to see something on it because it is so rare! They had said that there are only about 1,000 people in the world who have it. And there is no cure.. which we knew. You just have to wait for it to pass.. But anyway, throughout 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th grade, I only went to about 1/3 of the school year. I could sleep up to 10 days at a time and when I would actually wake up, I still wasnt fully awake. And that makes it kind of hard to go to school. Thank goodness that I am smart or else I would not have made it through all those grades! I really had some GREAT teachers that actually tried to understand me and help me! So thank you SO MUCH to you guys! And then I had some really crappy teachers who didn't care and told me to get an alarm clock! First of all, I get that you have like 200 students during the day so you can't give anything special to one student.. but I can't wake up to an alarm clock stupid!! It's like I'm in A COMA!! And sorry if when I wake up after so long, I would want to maybe take a shower or spend time with my family and see what they have been up to for 10 days while I was sleeping. School was not my top priority, especially when the teachers were jerks! But I continued and finally got my GED in December of '08 to finally be done with school! I was so happy when that day finally came! :) Point of the matter is- It's a rare sleep disorder. I can sleep a lot. I don't sleep for 10 days anymore but I still sleep a lot! I sleep about 12 hours a night and am still tired all day..
Ok.. now I really don't want to write a whole paragraph about depression.. So this is what I'm going to say:
Bipolar depression is like 500 time worse that when normal people are "depressed". I really hate when people are like, I'm so depressed, I don't wanna go to school. Suck it up people! I get so depressed to where I can't even get up off the couch because it hurts my whole body!! I'll be starving and the kitchen is like 4 feet away but I can't make myself get up and walk there because it is a lot of work and my body just can't do it. And I have to live like that for weeks at a time for months! Have you ever been so depressed to where you physically can not move? No? Then don't even talk to me about being depressed. Thanks.

So that's my first blog post. Probably later in the day or tomorrow I will update about medication and how much I hate it and how frustrating it is.
But this is my life. If you have any questions, ask me.
And thank you for taking the time to read this! I really appreciate it! :)